Sometimes it takes a huge emotional jog to start a landslide. I’ve had one of those recently. It’s brought about a landslide of memories. Memories that I didn’t know we had. They are no longer ‘snapshots’ only. They have turned into video clips. It is the strangest thing ever. They take my breath away… and not in a good way. In a scary way. It’s like I’m back there again.
I think that is what you call flashbacks. I Do Not Like Them At All. However… they are filling in some blanks for me. It isn’t from a pleasant time but it is memories I did not know about until the past couple days.
I’m remembering some of my mother’s death, how I felt being ‘forced’ to sit there and stare at her dead body at the same time waiting for her to sit up. It was terrifying. The one and only other thing I remember from her wake was my best friend Kiki showing up. It was the first wake and funeral I had ever been to. And as a matter of fact, the emotional jog that I had was Kiki’s mom whom was always like a second mother to me suddenly fell ill and passed away this morning. The real trigger I believe was my sorrow at what Kiki would be going through. It brought back my sorrow and memories surrounding my mom’s death. Funny how my sadness at what my friend would be feeling brought back what I felt.
Strange. I’m remembering random things, most video but some still as snapshots. I know they have to be stored in the common area, even the most painful ones… it’s for our own good to remember. How can you fix something you didn’t know was broken?
A year ago I wouldn’t have been able to handle it alone. (The sudden influx of memories.) Today and because of the DBT program I went through I am handling it and am glad that I happened to be alone all day. I have techniques now and the one I am using the most is grounding and then distraction lol. It’s working and I won’t be alone much longer. And I am remembering to breathe… 🙂
Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila