Paranoia: suspicion and mistrust of people or their actions without evidence or justification.
Paranoia has been setting in more and more… I understand why but it is there nonetheless.
Why? Because we have the yearly recertification/inspection and I’m afraid someone will do something that gets us kicked out. I know I have to get over it but it is really hard. When you are homeless and bouncing around for a full year, it takes a real toll on you. Each time we had somewhere to live something happened, a daughter came home from rehab early, the roommate was actually getting evicted and just wanted money until she and we got kicked out, another was planning on moving out-of-state and just left us in the apartment one weekend until the landlord started showing the place and reminded us we had to be out in a week. Then finally Kiki turned us onto a long-term motel that allowed pets… that is where we stayed until my apartment came through. Being homeless was awful but the motel was a lifesaver.
This recertification/inspection is a yearly thing, I believe they do it to just make sure everyone’s info is up to date and for the funding to keep the rent low. There is nothing to be afraid of but with those memories nagging… we’re afraid something is going to go wrong. Ugh this is driving me crazy and it actually kept me up last night. I don’t know, but usually writing it out helps us. Last night I had us out on the street with Coco going to Marshalls. I just want to enjoy my home and not worry. The Universe gave it to me and I want to relax in it.
I’m hoping that this takes the edge off the paranoia. I know when I get out of the house I feel better so I have been trying to get out for a little each day. One thing we started doing is going to the gym with Kiki… well, we’ve gone once so far lol but it is a start!
Meditation is also something we have been skimping on… shame on us. We have been doing Reiki the past couple days or so and sending it to Marion. When we do that we feel better so… more meditation and more Reiki will make Saila a more relaxed person lol. Time to accept reality and live like anyone else. This is just like renewing a lease and should thought of that way and that way only. Aaack… it sucks because there are alters that are still totally freaked out and panicking. They are afraid if we settle in and relax that will backfire on us. To have these opposite feelings at the same time is so frustrating and tiring. I feel the fear of the younger ones and it doesn’t seem like I am doing enough to keep them calm… *sigh*… well, on that note I think I will plug in my iPod and listen to some meditation music and see where that takes us.
Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila
Here are some Paranoid songs for you to enjoy lol