Yearning & Anger ~ Stage 2

Continuing on with the loss of my home…

The numbness wears off, and the painful realization of the loss hits full-force; you will yearn deeply for your loss. You may be angry and have regrets of things left unsaid or dreams never realized.

It hits hard and sucks the life out of you. The yearning, oh, the yearning… I wanted to stay in my home as long as I wanted, not as long as Wells Fargo wanted. I imagined myself being dragged out kicking and screaming… coming home one day and finding out they made a mistake with the date and all our stuff would be on the street. Yea, I freaked out a little bit.

I was angry, real angry. I started hearing similar stories as mine (I’ve written about it, if you want to find out more I believe searching “Foreclosure” will bring you to some of the posts.) and the look of relief and disbelief was seen over and over. Relief that their story was not just a fluke. The big banks were screwing a lot of homeowners back then. I was pissed because I was lied to… not pissed at myself but pissed at the situation and the bank and the legal/justice system. Really pissed that I was taken advantage of and was left powerless… Powerless. I had no idea at the time that during that fateful phone call my power was taken away. I was dumped into The Machine to be chewed up and spit out.

Ugh enough about that… all it is doing is stirring up the bee’s nest. I guess you get the picture. I’m not sure how long this stage lasted but I can tell you that the anger stage passed faster than the yearning stage. I was able to ‘give up’ the anger, (which turned to self-pity for a bit), because I realized with my Wise Mind that there was no way I could have known what they were going to do to me. I was doing the right thing so how could it turn so against me? But it did and there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do about it. I felt helpless. Not powerless, helpless. I didn’t realize I felt powerless until about a month ago.

There is still some yearning to this day. And it’s been – what? 20 months now? The yearning does get less and less and I feel it not so often anymore. I’m starting, little by little to enjoy my apartment… maybe soon we will put up our living room curtains lol. Yea, haven’t done that yet. Just have mini blinds. But anyway…

It’s not a fun feeling to have been taken advantage of in such a huge way. I feel like a failure but I have to dismiss that because, again, there was no way I could have known what was about to happen. AND I have to keep reminding myself that. I still get the feelings of failure when I think about it all. (Reminding myself yet again that I could not have known.) I feel like I’m stuck in a hamster wheel lol.

I also had periods where I fell into a horrible depression, I mean it was baaaaad. Suicidal bad. But that is for Stage 3 so…

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila

Numbness & Denial ~ Stage 1

Well, I said I was going to do this so let’s get to it.

The 5 Stages of Grief

The first reaction to a loss, numbness or shock can help cushion the blow and can help you get through the initial mourning rituals of the loss. This stage can last a few hours, days, or even a few weeks.

Hahaaa according to this time frame I am way way off. I think I am still in this stage.. maybe more towards the end of it. (I hope) God… it’s been so long, why is it still bothering me??? Well, because I have had more pressing things on my mind for the past 21 months. Like keeping a roof over my and Coco’s head as well as Marshall’s and not losing the rest of my stuff… there were a few times that I thought for sure I was going to be on the street. It is like all my recent losses were put on ‘hold’ all those months while I was toughing it out. Just waiting for a calmer time to rear their ugly heads.

The calmer time is here.

Anyway, I noticed this ‘coming on’ (hahaaa like a cold lol) a few months ago, around October/November. I just felt off some of the time. I would get sad for no apparent reason, but in the beginning it passed quickly like a breeze blowing on me. Then as I settled into my new (stable) life more and more, I found I was missing my old condo more and more. After all, we lived there for 15 years and then it was gone.

You know what?

I think I have recently passed this stage (Stage 1) as I find myself thinking of it in a different way now… maybe more like in between Stages 2 and 3. Hmmm, I believe I am further than I thought on this unpleasant but necessary journey.

But as for Denial… there are times that I still find myself waiting to get my condo back. Not ‘wanting to‘ but ‘waiting to‘. All the promises broken, lies told to me, the sarcastic replies to mistakes by the courts… a part of me is still waiting… and when I think about the fact that we will NEVER have it back, it saddens me… my shoulders sag and I sigh. I had no choice BUT to believe their lies. Although I didn’t know they were lies at the time. I was Powerless. I didn’t know it then, I thought I had a pretty fair handle on things… obviously not… but I was indeed powerless against the big uncaring steel banking machine. Rolled over me, chewed me up and spit me out.

Well, I do find myself thinking about my old condo a little less and I just noticed that I am referring to it here as my OLD condo. Not just MY condo. Baby steps of progress. And more baby steps is the fact that I don’t get upset [anymore] when I have to go anywhere near my old neighborhood.

You know what else? I believe I did Stage 1 in stages. The realization that they lied and it was really going to happen hit hard and fast… (I am talking about the last month at the condo) I fell into dissociation and let Diana handle it. I, on the other hand believed them each time they told me it wouldn’t come to that. (Foreclosure and eviction) The first part of Stage 1 was the day the sheriff delivered the eviction notice. That was put on pause once we had temporary housing for ourselves and Marshall had somewhere to go. I think it reared its ugly head again each time we almost ended up homeless. Ugh I don’t even want to think about it anymore. The realizations are tiring.

We didn’t have time to mourn the loss of our life as we knew it. We were too busy scrambling to find a place to live. Then we were too busy adjusting to a new lifestyle. Then we were scrambling to find another place to live… then scrambling again… and again, until Kiki did some research on our behalf and found a long-term motel that accepted pets! Then it was back to adjusting to a new lifestyle and more applying and waiting and looking etc… until we got the notice of acceptance where we are now. Then we were too busy filling out the paperwork, gathering items we would need for an apartment because we lost everything we had except for some clothes….(15 years of stuff… shiiiiiit!) so I am guessing you get the picture, there was always something in the way of grieving the loss. Now there is not. And it has been flooding in. Not in the form of tears or anything like that but just a sadness and a (childish) stubbornness because I’m not in my condo… it’s like I can’t love this apartment because I loved my condo. My condo and I didn’t break up we were torn apart violently. Well, I notice I used past tense there with the word ‘loved’. Another baby step. Baby steps are good. And we’ve got more to go lol… at least we’ve passed Stage 1! (And now we know it lol)

Well, glad you stuck with me through my process! Thank you. ❤

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila