Numbness & Denial ~ Stage 1


Well, I said I was going to do this so let’s get to it.

The 5 Stages of Grief

STAGE 1: NUMBNESS & DENIAL-
The first reaction to a loss, numbness or shock can help cushion the blow and can help you get through the initial mourning rituals of the loss. This stage can last a few hours, days, or even a few weeks.

Hahaaa according to this time frame I am way way off. I think I am still in this stage.. maybe more towards the end of it. (I hope) God… it’s been so long, why is it still bothering me??? Well, because I have had more pressing things on my mind for the past 21 months. Like keeping a roof over my and Coco’s head as well as Marshall’s and not losing the rest of my stuff… there were a few times that I thought for sure I was going to be on the street. It is like all my recent losses were put on ‘hold’ all those months while I was toughing it out. Just waiting for a calmer time to rear their ugly heads.

The calmer time is here.

Anyway, I noticed this ‘coming on’ (hahaaa like a cold lol) a few months ago, around October/November. I just felt off some of the time. I would get sad for no apparent reason, but in the beginning it passed quickly like a breeze blowing on me. Then as I settled into my new (stable) life more and more, I found I was missing my old condo more and more. After all, we lived there for 15 years and then it was gone.

You know what?

I think I have recently passed this stage (Stage 1) as I find myself thinking of it in a different way now… maybe more like in between Stages 2 and 3. Hmmm, I believe I am further than I thought on this unpleasant but necessary journey.

But as for Denial… there are times that I still find myself waiting to get my condo back. Not ‘wanting to‘ but ‘waiting to‘. All the promises broken, lies told to me, the sarcastic replies to mistakes by the courts… a part of me is still waiting… and when I think about the fact that we will NEVER have it back, it saddens me… my shoulders sag and I sigh. I had no choice BUT to believe their lies. Although I didn’t know they were lies at the time. I was Powerless. I didn’t know it then, I thought I had a pretty fair handle on things… obviously not… but I was indeed powerless against the big uncaring steel banking machine. Rolled over me, chewed me up and spit me out.

Well, I do find myself thinking about my old condo a little less and I just noticed that I am referring to it here as my OLD condo. Not just MY condo. Baby steps of progress. And more baby steps is the fact that I don’t get upset [anymore] when I have to go anywhere near my old neighborhood.

You know what else? I believe I did Stage 1 in stages. The realization that they lied and it was really going to happen hit hard and fast… (I am talking about the last month at the condo) I fell into dissociation and let Diana handle it. I, on the other hand believed them each time they told me it wouldn’t come to that. (Foreclosure and eviction) The first part of Stage 1 was the day the sheriff delivered the eviction notice. That was put on pause once we had temporary housing for ourselves and Marshall had somewhere to go. I think it reared its ugly head again each time we almost ended up homeless. Ugh I don’t even want to think about it anymore. The realizations are tiring.

We didn’t have time to mourn the loss of our life as we knew it. We were too busy scrambling to find a place to live. Then we were too busy adjusting to a new lifestyle. Then we were scrambling to find another place to live… then scrambling again… and again, until Kiki did some research on our behalf and found a long-term motel that accepted pets! Then it was back to adjusting to a new lifestyle and more applying and waiting and looking etc… until we got the notice of acceptance where we are now. Then we were too busy filling out the paperwork, gathering items we would need for an apartment because we lost everything we had except for some clothes….(15 years of stuff… shiiiiiit!) so I am guessing you get the picture, there was always something in the way of grieving the loss. Now there is not. And it has been flooding in. Not in the form of tears or anything like that but just a sadness and a (childish) stubbornness because I’m not in my condo… it’s like I can’t love this apartment because I loved my condo. My condo and I didn’t break up we were torn apart violently. Well, I notice I used past tense there with the word ‘loved’. Another baby step. Baby steps are good. And we’ve got more to go lol… at least we’ve passed Stage 1! (And now we know it lol)

Well, glad you stuck with me through my process! Thank you. ❤

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila

2 thoughts on “Numbness & Denial ~ Stage 1

  1. I’m seeing how the stages come in stages themselves now! And that flitting back and forth between stages happens. The bouncing from anger to sadness to apathy to acceptance, back to anger… Lather, rinse, repeat. Your posts have me examining my own stages of grief for different things in my life. Thank you. 💜

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