Yearning & Anger ~ Stage 2


Continuing on with the loss of my home…

YEARNING & ANGER-
The numbness wears off, and the painful realization of the loss hits full-force; you will yearn deeply for your loss. You may be angry and have regrets of things left unsaid or dreams never realized.

It hits hard and sucks the life out of you. The yearning, oh, the yearning… I wanted to stay in my home as long as I wanted, not as long as Wells Fargo wanted. I imagined myself being dragged out kicking and screaming… coming home one day and finding out they made a mistake with the date and all our stuff would be on the street. Yea, I freaked out a little bit.

I was angry, real angry. I started hearing similar stories as mine (I’ve written about it, if you want to find out more I believe searching “Foreclosure” will bring you to some of the posts.) and the look of relief and disbelief was seen over and over. Relief that their story was not just a fluke. The big banks were screwing a lot of homeowners back then. I was pissed because I was lied to… not pissed at myself but pissed at the situation and the bank and the legal/justice system. Really pissed that I was taken advantage of and was left powerless… Powerless. I had no idea at the time that during that fateful phone call my power was taken away. I was dumped into The Machine to be chewed up and spit out.

Ugh enough about that… all it is doing is stirring up the bee’s nest. I guess you get the picture. I’m not sure how long this stage lasted but I can tell you that the anger stage passed faster than the yearning stage. I was able to ‘give up’ the anger, (which turned to self-pity for a bit), because I realized with my Wise Mind that there was no way I could have known what they were going to do to me. I was doing the right thing so how could it turn so against me? But it did and there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do about it. I felt helpless. Not powerless, helpless. I didn’t realize I felt powerless until about a month ago.

There is still some yearning to this day. And it’s been – what? 20 months now? The yearning does get less and less and I feel it not so often anymore. I’m starting, little by little to enjoy my apartment… maybe soon we will put up our living room curtains lol. Yea, haven’t done that yet. Just have mini blinds. But anyway…

It’s not a fun feeling to have been taken advantage of in such a huge way. I feel like a failure but I have to dismiss that because, again, there was no way I could have known what was about to happen. AND I have to keep reminding myself that. I still get the feelings of failure when I think about it all. (Reminding myself yet again that I could not have known.) I feel like I’m stuck in a hamster wheel lol.

I also had periods where I fell into a horrible depression, I mean it was baaaaad. Suicidal bad. But that is for Stage 3 so…

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila