Emotional Despair ~ Stage 3

Here we go again… this is really hard you know. But we soldier on…

The storm of intense emotions of the second stage gives way to a period of heavy sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends.

Well, I left off talking about an awful deep depression. You want to know how deep? DieAnne had our death planned out with every T crossed and I dotted. Thank God/dess that I have my tight little circle of friends who were always available to me. They got me through it. But during this stage, we kinda felt like a failure. We had lost everything (just about) we worked so hard for all those years. Our life as we knew it was over. Our nice cushy life was over and all we had left were some clothes.

Once DiAnne had her plan (back when we were still in the condo and received the eviction notice) we were fine. We knew no matter what we would not end up homeless because we would be dead. We were able to function, get Marshall a place to stay and look for somewhere for me and Coco. Weird hu? It took a finalized suicide plan to get us out of the depression. Idk, whatever it was DieAnne changed her mind (there is a blog on that, I believe it’s DieAnne’s Compromise) we found housing for Marshall as well as (at the last-minute) housing for me and Coco. So now I am dealing with it all… you might say reeling from some of it.

I don’t want to get into the depression too much more because I don’t need it getting its hooks in me.

It really started sinking in that there were a few losses that also have happened recently. I’ve not had time to process any of them. And now I do *sigh*. So I am.

With my lost condo getting processed it’s just one more layer of loss that will be peeled away. I believe I am mostly stuck in this phase for now. I want to process all the losses at once but I am sticking to processing one at a time lol. My therapist and I are working on the condo one first so that’s why I picked it.

I can find all kinds of excuses not to process this… but for now, I will leave you here because this is where I mostly am. I may continue on with this stage in my next blog, I know there is more but I am being blocked by The Collective so I will respect their wishes not to ‘go through it again’…

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila