Emotional Despair ~ Part 2

Well back to this again… sticking with Stage 3. It’s not worked out just yet.

The storm of intense emotions of the second stage gives way to a period of heavy sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends.

I can’t say that I am done with Stage 3. I was reading over Stage 4 and realized I am not quite there yet. *Sigh* Damn and I thought I was doing so well and was done with everything… hahahaa nope. I was also reading over my last blog and was wondering what changed DieAnne’s mind about killing us. You can find it here. I found it quite enlightening. In fact I was shocked and pleasantly surprised.

In a weird way she jump started us back then and in doing that made sure both Marshall and I had a place to go. I wonder why I wasn’t depressed when this was happening but then I realize that we were depressed, sometimes really depressed… we tried to hide it best we could and of course there was always the issue of where we were going to live until we got accepted where we are now. It was more constant fight or flight so there was no time to focus on the depression and let it get its hooks totally in. Ah, there was a time tho… it did get bad. I ended up under observation more than once during the pre-homeless stage.

I would be thinking things like “How could I let this happen?” Then I get an answer… “You had no way of knowing what was about to happen… what are you psychic??” “Were you ever a banker? Did you ever work in the banking industry?” “How could you possibly know what they were doing was wrong, and then when you did, you did everything within your power to get it corrected?”

During these few years not only was I dealing with the possibility of homelessness but I was still dealing with my DID. Keeping it hidden as much as possible was crucial now. I was bouncing from room to room and no one is going to rent to you if you come out and tell them you have multiple personalities. It added to the fight or flight I was always feeling.

It was hard dealing with this. But I had no choice. My choice was taken away the day I made that phone call to the bank. I didn’t know that then tho. My choice and my power taken away.

I think it’s spilling over into the present because I find myself waiting to get kicked out of here for some stupid reason. When I get like that it is best that I remember what I went through to get here. It’s hard tho, that thought gets its hooks in me and whammo! I just have to give it to The Universe each time.

As for silence and withdrawal… that wasn’t much of an issue, it just came with the depression lol. Any silence and withdrawal came due to silence and withdrawal on the other end. There were a few people who just didn’t want to know anything about our situation.

Why is it that some people expect you to be all wrapped up with a big bow on your head… they will accept you but not your issues? Blinders. Denial. I guess some people just can’t deal or just don’t want to be bothered. It sucks to feel as if you are not even worth someone’s time. On an upswing, my close circle of friends were always there for me no matter what.

Hmmm, with the bank, I just realized I wasn’t even treated like a person/customer. Ah, another realization. Just run over by the cogs in the big machine. But anyway… all of this is good to get out and off my chest so on that note…

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila