Always the Black Sheep


Looks like we are going to go through the 5 Stages again with another loss. This is going to get me through being an only child with siblings. You see, the way I grew up it was always them and then me. It wasn’t their fault although when that behavior is carried into adulthood… shame shame. I’m not part of ‘the group’ and I never was… nor did I pretend to be. It sucks because I always wanted to be a part of the gang.

Do you know what it feels like always on the outside looking in? No one wants to hear that I felt like that all my life. Always the Black Sheep. Always in my room grounded.

So I think I will review the Steps and see where I land because this has been going on for 2 or 3 years and I have had time to process somewhat.

The 5 stages of grief:

  1. NUMBNESS & DENIAL-The first reaction to a loss, numbness or shock can help cushion the blow and can help you get through the initial mourning rituals. This stage can last a few hours, days, or even a few weeks.

  2. YEARNING & ANGER-The numbness wears off, and the painful realization of the loss hits full-force; you will yearn deeply for your loss. You may be angry and have regrets of things left unsaid or dreams never realized.

  3. EMOTIONAL DESPAIR, SADNESS & WITHDRAWAL-The storm of intense emotions of the second stage gives way to a period of heavy sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends.

  4. REORGANIZATION- Reorganization and the beginning of positive emotions- Over time, the sadness stage will start to lessen, and you will begin to see a lightening of your emotions. You will start to perceive your life in a more positive light, although bouts of grief and sadness will persist.

  5. LETTING GO & MOVING ON- The final phase of this model is to let go of your need for the loss and to move on with your life. Sadness will lessen greatly, and new interests will gradually occupy your thoughts more and more, crowding out the misery and desolation. The final stage is when you “pull your life back together”.

As for Stage 1… I would say yes, it lasted weeks. The hurt and the abandonment was awful. I couldn’t believe what was happening. What I had to miss out on… what I was forced to miss out on… what I had to go through alone…

One of the worst things was when I was in DBT/IOP and they have a mandatory Friends and Family Night once a month. You need to go to at least one of them while you are in the program. I was in the program for 4 months and for 4 months straight each time I asked my siblings to come there were excuses or just plain no’s. Mind you, there was plenty of notice and each time I let them know there would be another one with the hopes that they would want to be involved in my life/treatment. Get to know what demons I may deal with and how I was learning to deal with them. I was feeling like I was getting in trouble because I never had anyone to bring with me. I would be questioned as to who did I ask and how did I ask and what did they say… It was always a no-go, always something more important than me. 4 Months in a row with ample notice each time. So yes, I am a little bitter and a lot hurt — still. When my brother had his mental health issue, everyone dropped everything to be involved in his treatment. Me… Nada.

Step 2 we pretty much sailed through, I was angry, (still) hurt and alone. The realization would hit with every Facebook post I saw with events that we were not included in. Some we were just plain not invited and found out through good ol’FB. I was hurt and missed my family (yes, even though I classify myself an only child with siblings). I cannot cry over things left unsaid because how many times and ways can you say the same thing only to get the same rejection. I have said everything I can and there is nothing left. I realize that now.

I think I will continue with Stage 3’s observations tomorrow or later on… right now I just want to stop thinking.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Diana