Woke up feeling some kinda way today and I can’t shake it. Just this feeling that everything is covered in a thin veil of cottony dark. As the clouds cover the sun I find myself feeling a bit uplifted. Why? I don’t know, maybe it just fits my mood. The cats are prowling in my head. Using their claws this time.
Yes, those claws are digging and scratching inside my head while I am unable to cry out.
I’m not sure who all is around but I know Diane is here as is Melany. We’ve got to figure out if there was a trigger or not. I can’t really think of anything that would be triggering tho. I feel Heidi and that’s not a good thing because I have an urge to cover myself with the comforter and go to sleep… and when I say “cover” I mean face and all. Go to sleep and hide.
I know at this time last year we were getting very desperate with finding housing. And at some point in June last year we found out we were getting this apartment. So as far as I am concerned they cancel each other out.
Memories are from high school and right after that. So that tells me that it’s some of the younger ones who are ‘upset’. Something triggered one or more of them. Now to figure out what.
I can feel the tears streaming behind my dry eyes… the clawing to get away from — from — what???! Something/someone? is coming after me… I’m trying to get away… I see myself running across the street only to stop in the middle realizing I am in a nightgown! Turning back I run into the apartment and get ready for the battle. (The police station was right across the street from me. A lot of good that did.)
Pinned down, Steve’s hands around my throat — squeezing harder and harder so it feels as if my head is going to pop off and my chest is going to explode from lack of breath. What did we ever do to deserve this treatment? We never knew, we found out the hard way was that he was an abusive alcoholic.
My head is jumping around with different abusive situations with this guy…. ugh! I will say we (not all of us) learned to fight back. THAT is what I need to focus on… the fighting back, the standing up for ourselves and her. The time we got him good in the face to the point that now about 35 – 40 years later I am sure he still has scars there. After that the abuse trickled down to a simmer and eventually stopped… not because he wanted it to but because I met my soon to be (now ex) husband and he got me away from that man and that life.
IDK… its like a little piece of the major flashback we dealt with last week is stuck and reactivating it’s memories. Well anyway… here’s a link to a song that is stuck in my head and may be stuck in yours too… if not it’s about to. lol
Until next time… Blessed Be… The Collective