I feel totally lost, like I am forever stuck in a whirlpool that is fighting to drag me down and drown me.
No matter what I do I am unable to escape. The grip is too strong for me to break free. All there is is darkness. The light that was inside as well as those who lived in it are gone. Gone. If they were asleep, we would feel them; there is nothing but a big black void where they were now. Will we eventually be gone too??? What happens then? When there is no one left to run The Body??
I’m not sure what to do. The switching is different than before. It’s more jarring. Longer lasting. Time means nothing anymore.
It’s stranger. The other day I went to bed but Diane was the one who woke up and was out all day until the next morning. When she was out (or even if it was Wendy or Bitch) I was trapped. I was kind of aware of what was happening but I couldn’t do anything about it. Nothing. I was aware that Diane needed something from the kitchen but had no idea where to look, yet I knew but had no way of conveying that information to her. I was pushed back, far far back, into the darkness. Struggling with the force of the whirlpool pulling me down, down, down.
I don’t know if I can handle this. The situation that caused this, this… I don’t even know what to call it… this thing… is one I have never been in before. Never thought I would be in. Ever. I can’t even put a description on it.
The reverse shatter is no more. The Collective is no more. The meadows are no more, there is no sun shining.
I go to sleep and I don’t know if it will be me that wakes or one of the others. It’s a chance I have to take. I mean, how long can you go without sleeping? The toll it is taking on The Body is harsh. I actually am sleeping better believe it or not but still exhausted. However, I am usually nauseous a fair amount of the time, I get out of breath very easily and have a constant headache as well as this weird white noise in my head that just will not go away.
It is very unsettling to not have a handle (or as much of one as possible) on what is happening inside. It’s like this chasm opened up and swallowed all the light ones leaving us behind to fend for ourselves.
I am hoping by writing again we will be able to figure out wtf happened and how to put the remaining pieces together so we can have some semblance of a life.
This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. The holidays are hard for us and some years it is worse and some it is tolerable… this year it was one of the worst years. So to have this happen on top of that just made things 1000x worse.
I don’t know who we are. I don’t know how to be a person.
I am so very lost and I have no idea how to get back to safe solid ground.
In a strange way I feel as if we just woke up….
Well, on that note…
Until we meet again… Melany