Hope Floats ~ Day 2


Hmmm, what can I say. This sure is different for me, it’s uncomfortable to say the least. I’m feeling pretty awkward being exposed like this. Good lord, yesterday… I had so much free-floating anxiety that eventually Melany popped in and helped for a bit. I know I was talking a mile a minute for a good part of the day because of the anxiety. I would tell myself to zip it and no sooner than the “zip its” echo faded we were talking a mile a minute again lol.

I guess I can describe the feeling like a martini… I’m being shaken, not stirred. This is not a gentle experience and I don’t really care for it but I do know that it is necessary. I don’t know what the end result will be or when this, this…. um, I don’t even know what to call it… will be completed.

Right now, I am not sure what to do, what to say… how to do, how to say, how to act… how am I supposed to act? Act like one of the others? Yea, right… which one? The switching has been awful the past few weeks. At least now it seems to have stabilized some. So how do I act? Like myself. It’s the only way I know how. It sucks that I wasn’t given the knowledge of the others characteristics. I have no way to hide, no way to be a wallflower, I am exposed and it is very uncomfortable. I have no concrete idea if what I do, say or how I act is considered “normal” for This Body. I get little, I guess you could call them “pop-ups” of basic limited information every once in a while. For instance, I found out I like to wash dishes today… the pop-up I received simply said no one ever did that. I put 2 and 2 together and got 4. It must have been strange to see The Body washing dishes and enjoying it. I mean what am I supposed to do? I do what needs to be done, what I feel like etc… I can only be me.

Honestly, I just want to grab my head and scream. I am so unsettled. Still anxious and I still have that noise in my head…. grrrrrr!

More to come… Hope