Cat Scratch Fever

Woke up feeling some kinda way today and I can’t shake it. Just this feeling that everything is covered in a thin veil of cottony dark. As the clouds cover the sun I find myself feeling a bit uplifted. Why? I don’t know, maybe it just fits my mood. The cats are prowling in my head. Using their claws this time.

Yes, those claws are digging and scratching inside my head while I am unable to cry out.

I’m not sure who all is around but I know Diane is here as is Melany. We’ve got to figure out if there was a trigger or not. I can’t really think of anything that would be triggering tho. I feel Heidi and that’s not a good thing because I have an urge to cover myself with the comforter and go to sleep… and when I say “cover” I mean face and all. Go to sleep and hide.

I know at this time last year we were getting very desperate with finding housing. And at some point in June last year we found out we were getting this apartment. So as far as I am concerned they cancel each other out.

Memories are from high school and right after that. So that tells me that it’s some of the younger ones who are ‘upset’. Something triggered one or more of them. Now to figure out what.

I can feel the tears streaming behind my dry eyes… the clawing to get away from — from — what???! Something/someone? is coming after me… I’m trying to get away… I see myself running across the street only to stop in the middle realizing I am in a nightgown! Turning back I run into the apartment and get ready for the battle. (The police station was right across the street from me. A lot of good that did.)

Pinned down, Steve’s hands around my throat — squeezing harder and harder so it feels as if my head is going to pop off and my chest is going to explode from lack of breath. What did we ever do to deserve this treatment? We never knew, we found out the hard way was that he was an abusive alcoholic.

My head is jumping around with different abusive situations with this guy…. ugh! I will say we (not all of us) learned to fight back. THAT is what I need to focus on… the fighting back, the standing up for ourselves and her. The time we got him good in the face to the point that now about 35 – 40 years later I am sure he still has scars there. After that the abuse trickled down to a simmer and eventually stopped… not because he wanted it to but because I met my soon to be (now ex) husband and he got me away from that man and that life.

IDK… its like a little piece of the major flashback we dealt with last week is stuck and reactivating it’s memories. Well anyway… here’s a link to a song that is stuck in my head and may be stuck in yours too… if not it’s about to. lol

Cat Scratch Fever

Until next time… Blessed Be… The Collective

The Black Sheep and Stage 4

Meandering down the road from Stage 3 to Stage 4. The heavy sadness from Stage 3 still lingers… the loss still stings. I’m past the silence and withdrawal. There is nothing more I can do and I understand that in my head. My heart is taking it’s time catching up.

Here’s a reminder of what Stage 4 is:

STAGE 4: REORGANIZATION- Reorganization and the beginning of positive emotions- Over time, the sadness stage will start to lessen, and you will begin to see a lightening of your emotions. You will start to perceive your life in a more positive light, although bouts of grief and sadness will persist.

Since I created a new Facebook account (feel free to Follow me!) I feel more relaxed. On my other one, I have some family on that so I don’t use it too much. But creating a new one without any family took some, well, a big chunk of anxiety away. With this one I don’t have to worry about being hurt by seeing posts and pictures of gatherings I was not invited to. (Even ones I had to decline for whatever reason.) Do you know what it’s like to look forward to an annual summertime party, waiting on the text with the details and then to find out you were waiting for nothing because you were not invited. How did you find out? Facebook posts from family. They were all having fun and I was sitting home waiting like a fool. Waiting to find out when the party was going to be. That’s just one example. But it hurt. Being left out like that.

I guess you can say that the sadness is lessening… except for days like today when I want to see what they are up to. If I do I know I will just be setting myself up for a big hard fall. So as hard as it is not to… I won’t. Gotta protect myself. Let them have their family fun. I guess they are finally rid of me. At least one of them anyway… one is half-heartedly trying, sort of. Well, not really.

The Tattered Teddy Bear

In someone’s trash can sits a little brown bear.

She has patches on both legs, no nose, and a very sad upside down smile.

She was thrown away because no one wanted her anymore.

She had too many rips and tears to continue to mend.

No one cared enough to do it anymore.

People wandered up and down the street past the trash can with the tattered teddy bear.

Still no one cared.

They passed by, looked and walked on.

In someone’s trash can still sits a Tattered Teddy Bear….

JCD ~ Mid to late 1970-ish

IDK, maybe I’m still partly stuck in Stage 3. That heavy sadness is there over the loss but there is nothing more I can do.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Diana