Blessings and Flashbacks

Oh there are some days when I just get that flash of “what was” a year ago. It was bad. But it’s over now and things are stable. I hate that feeling… you get that jolt of panic, your nose flares (at least mine does lol) and you take that sharp inhale of fear and your heart and your breath quicken. *Boom* Flashback. Cure for flashback… well, not a cure but relief for sure are my DBT skills. I find I use grounding a lot. It really helps. I just look around my apartment and mentally recite what I see, what I smell, what I can touch… it brings me out of the flashback slowly but surely.

Anyway, I didn’t expect to have flashbacks of what happened and what almost happened a year ago but when I think about it realistically… how could I not? I mean if you’ve been following along you will know, if not… in a nutshell: I lost my home of 15 years to shady banking ending in foreclosure which displaced myself, my son and our cat Coco. Coco and I bounced around with the very real threat of living on the streets hanging over our head for a year and my son went to live with his father. Some of the places we lived were awful, one was nice and that was the first one. It went downhill from there. Until I met my boyfriend, he made it all bearable.

Things started looking up and we became more stable. There were (and are…) many blessings along the way. The biggest being I was able to keep my cat Coco with me wherever I went… and that included a long-term motel! Then the housing came through… finally stability.

However, I am still getting flashes of what almost was and what was but by practicing my grounding skills and doing self Reiki and having those I cherish near me… I am Ok today. Plus writing about it helps. I can see it in black and white. I just have to remember my grounding skills, to breathe and that for as bad as things were they can be even better than best! And they are. I am ok and I am blessed and watched over.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila




Memories and Flashbacks

Sometimes it takes a huge emotional jog to start a landslide. I’ve had one of those recently. It’s brought about a landslide of memories. Memories that I didn’t know we had. They are no longer ‘snapshots’ only. They have turned into video clips. It is the strangest thing ever. They take my breath away… and not in a good way. In a scary way. It’s like I’m back there again.

I think that is what you call flashbacks. I Do Not Like Them At All. However… they are filling in some blanks for me. It isn’t from a pleasant time but it is memories I did not know about until the past couple days.

I’m remembering some of my mother’s death, how I felt being ‘forced’ to sit there and stare at her dead body at the same time waiting for her to sit up. It was terrifying. The one and only other thing I remember from her wake was my best friend Kiki showing up. It was the first wake and funeral I had ever been to. And as a matter of fact, the emotional jog that I had was Kiki’s mom whom was always like a second mother to me suddenly fell ill and passed away this morning. The real trigger I believe was my sorrow at what Kiki would be going through. It brought back my sorrow and memories surrounding my mom’s death. Funny how my sadness at what my friend would be feeling brought back what I felt.

Strange. I’m remembering random things, most video but some still as snapshots. I know they have to be stored in the common area, even the most painful ones… it’s for our own good to remember. How can you fix something you didn’t know was broken?

A year ago I wouldn’t have been able to handle it alone. (The sudden influx of memories.) Today and because of the DBT program I went through I am handling it and am glad that I happened to be alone all day. I have techniques now and the one I am using the most is grounding and then distraction lol. It’s working and I won’t be alone much longer. And I am remembering to breathe… 🙂

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila