Just Another Stage of Life

I think I am ‘suffering’ from Empty Nest Syndrome. lol Idk, it makes sense to me. I never thought about it. I also never thought about Marshall not living with me. It was slow but it was sudden. If that makes sense. We knew we would have to leave the condo because we were getting foreclosed on but I really never thought of us being apart. Everything I did (looking for housing, apartments etc… ) I did with the expectation that he and I would stay together. It was an awful time but it is over now. I hate thinking about it.

I also never realized just how much of my life revolved around my son. His company… just being in the same home not necessarily interacting but just being in the same space together. Involved in the day-to-day issues… good and bad whatever they may be. Spontaneous baking late at night… just the little things that you don’t realize how much you will miss them later when they are just memories.

He’s on his own now, been that way for over a year and a half (it will be 2 years in July) living with his father, which is the same as on his own lol. That’s a good thing. Gives him independence. The knowing that he can live successfully on his own without me. Ah, without me. I fear he won’t need me anymore. But I am slowly realizing that he still needs me, it’s just in a different way. I shouldn’t feel depressed and useless. I shouldn’t feel that there is nothing left to do… there is. It’s all so different. Hard to adjust to.

So I asked The Universe for a message and this is what I got…

“Archangel Michael, what changes would you like to see me make in my life right now? Please clearly guide me upon the path of my life purpose.”

Changes. Yes. I need something that is going to interest me, make me feel good. I think this is affecting me more and more now because my life has settled down and I have been in my apartment for 8 months now. Longer than I have been anywhere in the past 20 months. Because my life is settled and secure I believe my mind has time now to ‘catch up’ to my situation. So maybe it’s not to unusual to feel that empty nest so acutely almost 2 years later. Ha, believe me there was plenty to keep me busy all those months. It was called surviving and not being on the street. Omg… how many times that was a very real possibility. Ugh… Needless to say my mind was plenty occupied. Now, not so much so there is time for my new reality to sink in and be processed. And… it sucks. But… I realize what it is now so that is half the battle. Dealing with feeling abandoned is another part of the battle.

So let’s see what Michael has to say to guide me to my life purpose… hell, I’ll be happy with just a little purpose right now… lol

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila

Settling back into Reality

It’s been a week now that Kiki and I have been back from our cruise. Trying to get back into some semblance of *normal* is not easy when all you want to do is go to The Spa or sit on the balcony. Poor Kiki had to go back to work the very next day. I know how exhausted I am and I don’t have to go to work. It was all I could do yesterday to go to my therapist appointment! But to go right back to your job… ugh. I wish I could rest for her lol. Ah, what I can do later on is send her Reiki.

Ya know, I just remembered something… when we were at one of the shows, it was a 70’s, 80’s, 90’s show… I started having flashbacks of those times. Major ones where I almost ran out of the show but I knew I was in a safe place with a safe person (Kiki ~ I trust her with my life.) So I let the flashes wash over me and realized that after an upsetting first one, the rest of the flashbacks were ok. Kinda fun things to remember like the fact that my Pop would buy an album for one song… it was Chicago’s album with Color my World. He loved that song so he bought the whole album. lol I also remembered going to The Disco with Kiki and Mary and it was the night that Mary (unknowingly at the time) met her husband.

Interesting and the flashbacks did not kill me. They made me stronger… like a rock not Rocky. I feel a little more *put together*, a little less fragmented. I realize now after reading what I just wrote that it is also why I am so tired out mentally and physically. When there is a lot of activity inside (like switching, flashbacks, even extreme cooperation) it can knock me out for a day or so. I’m looking at it as a good thing for me.

So back to getting used to being home after a 10 day cruise…. ahhhh I have my videos and my memories thanks to Kiki! And I am fortunate enough to come home to my very affordable apartment… which if I am careful I can save for another cruise… “OH Kiki!!!!!”

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila