Settling back into Reality


It’s been a week now that Kiki and I have been back from our cruise. Trying to get back into some semblance of *normal* is not easy when all you want to do is go to The Spa or sit on the balcony. Poor Kiki had to go back to work the very next day. I know how exhausted I am and I don’t have to go to work. It was all I could do yesterday to go to my therapist appointment! But to go right back to your job… ugh. I wish I could rest for her lol. Ah, what I can do later on is send her Reiki.

Ya know, I just remembered something… when we were at one of the shows, it was a 70’s, 80’s, 90’s show… I started having flashbacks of those times. Major ones where I almost ran out of the show but I knew I was in a safe place with a safe person (Kiki ~ I trust her with my life.) So I let the flashes wash over me and realized that after an upsetting first one, the rest of the flashbacks were ok. Kinda fun things to remember like the fact that my Pop would buy an album for one song… it was Chicago’s album with Color my World. He loved that song so he bought the whole album. lol I also remembered going to The Disco with Kiki and Mary and it was the night that Mary (unknowingly at the time) met her husband.

Interesting and the flashbacks did not kill me. They made me stronger… like a rock not Rocky. I feel a little more *put together*, a little less fragmented. I realize now after reading what I just wrote that it is also why I am so tired out mentally and physically. When there is a lot of activity inside (like switching, flashbacks, even extreme cooperation) it can knock me out for a day or so. I’m looking at it as a good thing for me.

So back to getting used to being home after a 10 day cruise…. ahhhh I have my videos and my memories thanks to Kiki! And I am fortunate enough to come home to my very affordable apartment… which if I am careful I can save for another cruise… “OH Kiki!!!!!”

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila

The Wayback Machine


I found some old poems and stuff while looking for something else… isn’t that always the way lol?

It seems I was a child steeped in loneliness looking for love. Depressed from being “grounded” and put in my room way too many times… I did get an apology from my Pop before he passed away, although I never did get a concrete answer to why I was always stuck in my room… just that they didn’t know what to do with me. I guess with 3 other children to care for that was just the easiest thing to do. The wrong thing, but whatever. It couldn’t have been easy raising a child with DID. Back then who knows what they knew about it… they don’t know everything about it now.

But some of the poetry was so dark, you’d never expect it to have come out of a preteen/young teen. Here’s one…

Ultimate darkness consuming your body
pulling you down,
down lower than you’ve ever been.
Spinning you faster and faster
while rainbows tease you–
drifting past your outstretched arms.
While passing through colors, feelings and everything you’ve ever experienced–
even some you never knew before–
They dance off your fingertips
just before you can catch them.
Then you see the light.
Far, far away.
Just as you think you’ve caught up to it–
it disappears.
You find yourself all alone again.

I believe I know when this one was written… we were maybe 15 and we had taken an overdose of Dexatrim and suffered it out for hours alone in our room with no one knowing a thing. šŸ˜„

Funny how the emptiness we felt as a child in dealing with family came back inĀ adulthood. But oh well… things happen for a reason and there is a reason that one sister refuses to talk to me and in doing so has pretty much excluded me from the entire family.

Anyway… until next time… Blessed Be… Tanya