Loving my Me’s

Yes, you read that title correctly. lol I was sitting here thinking about Father’s Day and one picture I have of my Pops. It’s a picture of me and my 2 sisters standing in the den with him. I’m blonde in that picture. Why does that matter? Me saying I’m blonde? Because now I have red hair (again) and usually when there was a switch internally and the hair got dyed… whatever color the hair got dyed had to be the profile pic, only pics with that color hair went up… it was a barb in the side to see pictures of (a blonde) someone else on My stuff. You know where I’m coming from? I had to make it Mine and fast! It was a real bother.

Anyway back to the picture… I didn’t get that feeling this time seeing it. I was thinking about posting it on Sunday but then I figure no, not with the way things are with my sisters. And as for ‘my’ blonde hair? I looked at it as another sister, (It’s Joanna in the picture.) knowing it was an altar and being ok with that being seen. I think that was my issue… another way to ‘keep my DID under wraps’. Like having a party when your parents are out then having to clean it up really fast. There is always something tell-tale left out and forgotten. That was my fear… that something would be seen that wasn’t supposed to be seen. Or a question would be asked that I couldn’t or didn’t want to answer.

Interesting to find that I can embrace them instead of want to hide and ignore them. They are a part of me, always have been and always will be. I am deeply deeply grateful for my close friends who accept us for who we are no questions asked… well, sometimes there are questions lol but I can usually answer them.

I think removing people from social media is part of what’s helped us remove ourselves from their expectations… or what we may have imagined their expectations to be. To try to be who they would be comfortable with. Screw that… its way too exhausting. I like being around people who I can be we around without shame, fear or anxiety. I’m grateful that I have friends like that in my life.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Tanya


The Black Sheep ~ That’s it, I’m Done!

Yup. Done. Fini. It feels gooooood! (I just did a little shimmy when I typed that!! lol) But, yes, I am finished and settled into Step 5 in regard to my family.

The final phase of this model is to let go of your need for the loss and to move on with your life. Sadness will lessen greatly, and new interests will gradually occupy your thoughts more and more, crowding out the misery and desolation. The final stage is when you “pull your life back together”.

My “need” for their acceptance and love is no more. I don’t “need” anyone to be me. All of me. I don’t have to worry anymore about making anyone nervous. I can just BE. I can love them from afar and leave it at that. I’m that puzzle piece that doesn’t fit anywhere. I’m ok with it.

I’m getting into a somewhat regular routine and I like it. On the weekend, either Friday or Saturday night Kiki and I do something… either go out or stay in and watch movies. We went to a Jazz thing one night… let me tell you, I know what it feels like to have ping-pong balls bouncing around in your head now. I found out I do not care for Jazz. It’s too discordant for me.

Counting my blessings instead of focusing on what is missing from my life really helped me get comfy in Stage 5. My life is pretty much pulled back together and I am enjoying it! I enjoy my time with my son, boyfriend, Kiki, my phone and computer time with Marion and Drew and I could go on with a couple more friends but you get the picture. My life is full. All of my me’s feel free finally.

I’m no longer sad, I am not dwelling on the party I won’t be invited to… my precautions are in place and I am at peace. Instead I am thinking about my son and when his next day off is… 🙂 Happy thoughts!

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila