…unless you have DID, then you really don’t have a choice… lol…. get it?
Welcome to my inner and exterior worlds
First off: **I am not a medical professional and anything you read here is our personal account.**
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**Any medical advice in here applies to my personal experience. I am not suggesting or telling anyone to take the advice I was given, simply stating my account relating to advice given me that has helped or sometimes hindered my progress.**
Some, maybe most of what you will read here may be hard to wrap your head around, understand, comprehend or even believe. Whether anyone believes me or doesn’t or for that matter doesn’t want to believe it, it doesn’t change anything. I am who I am and I have been DID for as long as I can remember. I’ve never known anything was different about me. Yeah, that gets found out the hard way.
What does matter is that I am accepted for the person I am and always have been, a friend, (after a bad experience telling a good friend – not Cipa – years and years ago, well, one kind of shy’s away from ever mentioning it again… so we didn’t) and I’m still a mother, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a co-worker… even though I have multiple others living in The Body with me. They have their own preferences for style, foods, hair style, hair color, makeup and…the list goes on.
Don’t squash, don’t shy away from someone with a scary dx like this one, I admit when I learned about it for the first time I was freaked out… picture 10 different people sharing one body each wanting to wear “their style” of whatever and do 10 different things with the one body omg… my bedroom can look like a tornado hit it on days when they are riled and disagree about who will get to choose what to wear – the one who “wins” is usually dominant for the rest of the day or made a compromise.
There are posts in here that explain more, feel free to meander into my lives. It is difficult to comprehend (in different ways than it is for Singles of course) but it is hard for me as well. All I ask is for respect and understanding and in return I will provide answers and patience for those in my life to process this as well as any of my readers questions will be answered as best I can. Questioning me actually is very good for me and it is helping me see ‘me’ from others POV.
My going out on this limb of being open about this is very scary for us (my alters), friends and family, even strangers and yes, especially me too. I had no idea the effect on others and I found out rather recently. It was too exhausting keeping them ‘under cover’ when possible so that The Body could look normal according to what we thought others thought was normal. That way we could be invisible – so to speak.
What is normal anyway… right?
No one can tell you who you are unless you allow it. We allowed it way too long. We let some of the others inside make that bad decision (to wear the “mask”) and it has gotten us a nice room in the psych ward two or three times years ago. The DID and the trying to wear the mask for whomever we were around has gotten us raped, beaten, choked, suffocated with a pillow… a gun put to our chest all due to picking the wrong dude to date. That was all prior to finding out about the DID.
None of those things I mentioned did any of my family do… and this may be the first time they find out some of this stuff. I know they want the best for me/us and will have a difficult time just as I am. Anything can be overcome with trying, love and understanding.
My ex-husband, he was nothing like the prior relationships or incidents. He saved us and we are forever grateful and even though we are divorced… we are friends.
Did we learn from all that? Sort of after the fact. We were kind of ok for quite a few years until our life hit the fan in 2011. Hell as recently as October of this year 2013 Heidi found herself in the psych part of the ER for a few hours or so. (That wasn’t why we were transported there either… lol it was due to a dangerously high blood pressure and vision and comprehension changes. Horrible panic attack.) We switched at some point between the ride to the er and the hospital. You try talking to Heidi in the er like that… yea, they will observe you for a while. lol She didn’t know why she was there, all of a sudden she’s in an ambulance being asked questions she had no real answers to and there was no one who could come “save the day” lol. We are working on a new support net and are grateful to those who are making up that net. 🙂
We’ve taken our power back, opened up our wings and are flying finally free by talking about it in the open. It’s a learning experience all around and I will say thanks to the few I have opened up to because they have made me stronger and also I am learning how MY changes affect others.
With me not saying anything about this dx openly for many many years and trying to be who I thought others expected me to be was exhausting and took its toll on us.
Too much loss was happening at the same time. Losing my job, income, losing home, and loss of a dear friend from childhood due to her screwing myself and Marshall over in the worst way possible. That was one of the biggest losses and mistakes in our life, she was the one who knew us best, the longest and even strongly suspected we had the disorder but never said anything until I told her. (This is Cipa I am talking about.) so now I am here and am feeling pretty ok that I will be here for quite a while. The bad part is that Cipa and I were always there for each other no matter what 24/7 if necessary. Why she did what she did to us we may never know. That was a huge trigger. All of it was actually, her doing what she did to us was the straw that busted the camels back.
With that said…..
Anything written here has been experiences by at least one of us. We have a therapist as well as psychiatrist that we are working with. Any advice or anything they have said, done or suggested is specific to The Collective and only The Collective. We are not here to give medical advice or tell you what to do. That you need to do yourself.
A friend of mine Mollie, who has since passed on, shared with me that she had DID about 15 years ago. I admit it scared me at first but it was still her. Her with a bonus, we both ended up with a bunch of new friends. Had I known then what I know now about DID, I would not have had that pang of fear.
You know that feeling you get, say if you have a fear of spiders… you spot one crawling down the wall near you… your imagination runs wild… it’s going to jump on me.. you want to run from fear because in your mind that little spider has grown into a gigantic tarantula that is about to pounce on you any second! You get my drift?
That feeling passed rather quickly because Mollie was still Mollie. She didn’t turn into a 23 headed monster even when she wasn’t Mollie. Some of her alters and my alters became friends. We became each others safe place. At that time I was just finding out myself that i was a multiple as well. If you are confused go back and read about DID and that may help you understand a bit better. (I admit, it’s still hard for me/us to understand it, much less live with it.)
So, if you want a raw account of what a day in the life of a person with DID is like, you’ve come to the right place.
We are co-conscience and are now going through something we call The Meld. Click around my blog for more details or information.
Feel free to ask questions.