Hope Floats ~ Day 9, 10 & 11

A beautiful chaos. That’s what I feel like. Not so much beautiful myself but the chaos in itself is strangely beautiful. It’s a chaotic creation going on here. Yup, that’s for sure.

A chaotic creation, yes that is what I feel like. Unstable elements. Floating by, grabbing hold for how long they see fit. Raining their influence down on me. Why are they doing this? I really don’t know why. I do know that I am feeling one or more of them today. Maybe that is what the buzzing noise is in my head? The more that are influencing the louder the noise? Idk. All I know is that it is loud again today. (Actually, it’s been loud all three days… )

I’m trying to figure out what I have access to. Kind of get an idea of where I stand here. I know that I have to get used to having a name as well as The Body’s name too. Ugh. I’m just glad today is the day we go to the therapist. (This was on day 10)

And go we went… for me, it was the first time there. Long story short here… we decided that I need to figure out what happened between Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. So that is now my mission. I was able to get some information from Kiki and Marion… enough to know that what I thought was a dream really happened. *le sigh*

So, I’ve got to let that process and fully understand that it was not a dream and it really happened. Today I found out that I see my Psych Doc later on today. Good thing they did a reminder call yesterday or I wouldn’t have known. There is a lot to process. Just getting through the day is hard enough without all this other stuff bombarding me.

I’m still figuring out “me”. So to start that… I am going to go back through my blog and see what else may have been posted (if anything) during that time. It is definitely overwhelming. Especially having to do all this covertly. Living with someone I’ve only known for 11 days now makes it really hard. How do you explain to someone that even though you have been together for just over 2 years you’ve only known them for 11 freaking days!!! Yea, do that and try not to sound crazy.


Hope Changes Everything?

I was checking through my settings and came across one that brought up my blog. The only thing I saw was the picture with the words “Hope changes everything.” My first thought was “I hope so.” But then I started thinking just how was this going to happen?

What am I supposed to do? Obviously I am here for something. I have no idea what tho.

So what did I do about it? Went for a ride to the store with the bf. It was different this time, maybe because we were out a much shorter period of time, or maybe because I wasn’t as nervous. I just know it wasn’t as overwhelming. It was enough tho.

I’m getting more information, evolving more and more, so that is good. I find most memories for me are like outlines that I need to color in to bring to life. That’s what all these ‘firsts’ are about. For example, today when we were out I needed to touch snow. I was looking at it all through the drive we took wondering what it would feel like. It looked so soft, like cottony. When we got home and I was walking up to the door I bent down and grabbed some. I was surprised that it felt like crystals in my fingers and it fell apart so easily. It left my fingers cold for a couple minutes after I got inside… which I found weird and unexpected. But now the ‘snow’ page has been colored in and brought to life.

I don’t know how to explain it, but I know about things but do not know about them… it’s like that outline I was talking about before or dusty words on a page or, it’s not ‘real’ until I experience it, touch it, smell it, feel it… you, know, coloring it in.

I’ve never been in The Body before and certainly never been out front so everything is a new experience for me. All I know is that writing about it helps me. Oh, and naps. Naps help too lol and one is calling me now! Hmmm, maybe I’ll get an answer to how Hope Changes Everything lol…