I feel broken. Beyond repair. Defective. Unwanted. Alone and lonely. I could go on but I’m sure you get my drift. I suppose it is possible to know what you are but not who you are.
Anyway… I have to figure out how to live. First I need to accept the truth. It’s hard. I cannot understand why I would be created with a longing for someone to love me if it is something that cannot happen for someone like me. It is such an evil thing to do. Why it was done to me, I don’t know. But it has to first be accepted before we can learn to live with it. We cannot take the devastating hurt in our heart anymore.
I have Kiki and Marion who love us and we know that if anything were to happen they would have our back 100%. That’s a feeling that is so good I cannot describe it. We love them and are truly blessed to have them. Yes, there is some love in our life. Just not the kind of love we crave. Kiki and Marion both have “it”. A partner to share their life and love with. That is something we are banned from. Why? Again, I don’t know.
It started in childhood. I remember always being banished to my room. Now, I am banished to my apartment. Are people afraid of us? Ashamed of us? Simply don’t want to deal with us? You know what they say… out of sight, out of mind. We were so out of sight out of mind that when we ran away we had to call home to let them know we ran away. We were going to live in a cave, but still go to school. Hahahaaa. Truth.
Well, all that is left of The Collective is The Dark Ones. No more Missy, Tanya, Diana, Joanna…. and the rest of the lighter ones. Gone. I can’t feel them anymore. It feels empty where they were.
Just me having to take lead on this, Melany. I’ve never been out without “backup” before. To be honest, I don’t much like it. I’ve got to deal with Wendy and Diane. I can feel them fully. Even The Dead One. I’m not 100% sure of who is left yet. I do know that Bitch is still here.
We’re not so much like the shattered mirror anymore. I am not sure what we are now. It’s confusing. I do know it is dark. And big. I don’t feel grounded. It’s like having to learn how to skydive after someone shoved you out of the plane with the parachute in hand. You need to learn a lot to save your life in a very short amount of time. You’ve got to figure out how to put the damn chute on and get it open before you smash into the ground all while being in a panic, screaming while not knowing why you are falling in the first place.
Got to get this figured out quickly. I don’t know how much time I will have before Wendy and/or Diane wake. Looks like I’ll be writing more. That helps me to kind of get it out where I can see it.
We are definitely broken, but the question is… are we beyond repair? I don’t know, I think we are about as fixed as we are going to get. I think we always were, we just don’t want to accept it. However, this time, the point was driven straight through the heart. Some things you just have to accept because there is no changing them. You die, your dead. No changing that. You are born defective, you stay defective. Like death, there is no changing that.
Time to end for now and play some computer games where all I have to think about is matching colors or creating words lol.