A Broken Vacuum and a Sweaty Bitch

I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen for quite a while now. Can’t let the bubbles win again. (screen saver) Tho, they might. Writing shouldn’t feel like pulling teeth, it used to come so effortlessly. I think my brain is constipated. Yes, my brain is constipated and my vacuum broke, well, I think it did anyway. It smells like it did. Now I am afraid of it. I’m sitting here one sweaty bitch musing over what I didn’t get to vacuum and I am not happy about it. I’m also fighting the fear that the damn thing is going to explode. It’s not. But I can’t stop the irrationality. Well, if it does, it won’t make too much of a mess because I emptied it before I banished it to the corner. And it’s going to stay there until I feel like dealing with it. At least it’s almost dark. Not really, but close enough for now.

Darkness always makes us feel better. Too bad it’s not dark yet. The dark, it’s oddly soothing. Like a blanket wrapping around us wiping away the harsh light of day. I want to run out into it and let it engulf me. Let it keep me, swallow me. Become one with it. Stay in it forever and ever. Allow it to bury me alive.

The darkness is inside me. Eating me up. And I’m welcoming it. Unintentionally letting it in. Allowing it to fill the brokeness in me. The brokenness that no one else can see. The brokenness that is always there, that has always been there and always will be. There is nothing else I know. The dark place. The place where no one else wants to go. It’s in my eyes, way down deep. Deeper than anyone could go. But us. We can go there. We can only exist there. It’s all we know. It’s what we were given. The darkness was programmed into us as far back as we can remember. Shoved down our throat until we learned to… to what? Just what did we learn? We learned that there was something unlovable about us. Something defective that nothing and no one could ever fix. No one even wanted to. We were broken. Others were taught to treat us as the broken thing we were. Unaccepted. Unwanted. Worthless. Nothing.

I’m so lost in the dark that I don’t even know who we are anymore. Is it even worth finding out? Is there anything to find? Are we to lost to be found? Are we even worth finding? There may be nothing there. Maybe there was always nothing. Just a shell. An empty rotting shell. An empty rotting shell that everyone can see… but me. We don’t want to see it.

We need to shove our head into the putrid pool of reality, just like we were taught to as a young child. I’m going under, drowning. Just the way they want. It’s a war we’re unable to win. Hmmm and do we even want to anymore? Is it worth it? Is there sanity at the end? Me thinks not. Sanity is not something we were gifted with. It will always be labeled unobtanium.

It’s dark now. We feel better. Not really but maybe we can fake it. We always have to fake it. Keep the mask on. Don’t let it slip. No one could bear to see what’s underneath it. We can’t bear to see what’s under it. What if there is nothing there? Just a nasty little girl used and abused. So rotted that no one cared that she wanted to end the pain. Just down the hall, writhing in and out of consciousness from an overdose while the mother was baking a pistachio cake. Wearing long sleeves in the summer to hide a cut wrist brought not one question. However, Kiki plucked our eyebrows and we caught hell. You would have thought we robbed a bank.

It’s ok, nothing matters anymore. Well, there are a few things that matter. A precious few. We hold on to those. They make the journey bearable.


Hope Floats ~ Day 19

This was supposed to be Day 16 but a lot has been going on in my head. I still find myself sitting and staring at the screen. I’ve changed the day 3 times already. Yes, this has been sitting up on my computer screen for 3 days now. There is so much to say but I am so confused. Being extremely tired doesn’t help. I still can’t fall asleep right away, it usually takes hours before I nod off. The only time I fall asleep faster is when I hit the wall with the exhaustion. That happened the other day. Tuesday. I was knocked out on the couch all day. That sleep wasn’t even restful because I woke up just as exhausted.

Right now we are waiting for the inspectors to come. It is time for the yearly inspection for the apartment complex. The notice said from 9am to 12pm. lol I set my alarm for 8:30am but finally dragged my ass out of bed at 9:30am or so. It’s 11:30 now so they should be here at any time. All I am thinking is, fuck, I could still be asleep. I didn’t fall asleep until sometime after 5 or 6am. This sleep issue I have really takes a toll on this body. Add to that what I am going through… being new here and all. Things can get overwhelming fast.

Sadness and depression are running rampant today. I’m so confused it’s not funny. It’s strangely quiet inside right now. I don’t hear anyone else. Maybe they are sleeping. I know they aren’t gone because I can feel them in the darkness. lol Idk, maybe they are looking for a way out of it?

Last evening at 6pm we had a therapy appointment. It went well. I told her I did indeed start a journal. I have it in Outlook and it is password protected. We have to keep the communication going. I wasn’t too happy not finding any information. But the information I did find was very beneficial.

The inspectors finally came at about 12:20pm, so I am glad that is over and done with. Now I can just relax. I found out that I get a little annoyed having to wait on people. Especially when they show up after the given timeframe lol.

Well, I ended up walking into the bedroom for something and the next thing I know is it is 3 hours later lol. I must have laid on the bed for a minute and crashed out. Hell, I will take sleep where I can get it!

I guess I will just stop here. I feel like I am rambling. I’m just really confused today. I also guess I’ve been confused a lot lately.