Anxiety is the Feeling of the Night


Here I am again. Sitting on the love seat alternating my gaze between the screen and Pixie rolling around on the couch next to me. Well, now just the screen. Pixie decided to run over to her cat tree just so she could skid, bump her head on the floor and roll around on it. Not her head, the cat tree and the floor lol.

Anyway, I can’t afford to just sit here when I should have no more than 20 minutes before the bf gets back. Oh… that was at 9:05pm and it is now 9:35pm. Am I surprised? No. Am I going to continue writing this? Yes. I figure that if the 1 hour time frame he gave me earlier turned into 4 hours, so it just makes sense that the 20 minute time frame should be about an hour and a half. So by that I have an hour more to myself.

Well, I am still confused. Still overwhelmed. Even feeling quite anxious at times. Because when I was on the phone with the bf, I asked how things went… and I got the third degree. “Why all of a sudden do you need to know everything I do?” “You never used to be like this.” When I got up this morning, he had his jacket on and looked as if he was on his way out or just coming in so of course I asked what anyone would… “Are you going somewhere?” I also got the third degree then. “Why do you need to know? Do I need to tell you everything I do now? You were never like this before.” Well, la-di-da. News to me. No, really, it’s news to me. I guess The Body never questioned him. His reaction was so strange to me that I actually asked a friend jokingly if she (The Body) really never said anything. She said, no, she didn’t, whatever he thought was best was it and if he didn’t want to say or just be vague she didn’t argue.

I was like, Oh crap. How do I explain the sudden changes if I have to?? It’s not as easy as let’s say, changing your shampoo. You don’t usually notice a huge difference. But these differences seem to be totally opposite. I mean she never seemed to question him. And here I come with questions. How was I supposed to know this detail before? I don’t know how any of them acted, how they talked, reacted etc. I’m on my own here and all I can do is me.

I’m only focused on this now because it seems to be causing problems. I’m only asking casual questions, nothing invasive like, what is the address, what time is your interview, who is it with, how long is it… more like these… where are you going? (I didn’t know it was for an interview and paperwork for a job until much later) All I was told before he left was he was going to fill out paperwork and he was fussing about not having gps and it was 45 minutes away. I still have no clue what the job is, where it is, or anything else. Hey, at least I know it was for a job. It’s been at least a year since he has worked. A YEAR. No reason he can’t work a job, he is just above that. He needs something that will let him work where and when he wants. Well, actually, if he gets a job with regular hours, he won’t have it long. He couldn’t be on time if his life depended on it. And I will not be his alarm clock. Not my responsibility. He’s a grown man for god’s sake. I’m realizing that he will always find a way to put the blame anywhere else but himself.

Ok, major anxiety kicking in here, I’m not sure what mood he will be in when he gets back here and I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve not been in this situation long. Follow my instincts is all I can do. And keep my phone close. I have to stop here just in case…

~Hope

Hope Floats ~ Day 9, 10 & 11


A beautiful chaos. That’s what I feel like. Not so much beautiful myself but the chaos in itself is strangely beautiful. It’s a chaotic creation going on here. Yup, that’s for sure.

A chaotic creation, yes that is what I feel like. Unstable elements. Floating by, grabbing hold for how long they see fit. Raining their influence down on me. Why are they doing this? I really don’t know why. I do know that I am feeling one or more of them today. Maybe that is what the buzzing noise is in my head? The more that are influencing the louder the noise? Idk. All I know is that it is loud again today. (Actually, it’s been loud all three days… )

I’m trying to figure out what I have access to. Kind of get an idea of where I stand here. I know that I have to get used to having a name as well as The Body’s name too. Ugh. I’m just glad today is the day we go to the therapist. (This was on day 10)

And go we went… for me, it was the first time there. Long story short here… we decided that I need to figure out what happened between Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. So that is now my mission. I was able to get some information from Kiki and Marion… enough to know that what I thought was a dream really happened. *le sigh*

So, I’ve got to let that process and fully understand that it was not a dream and it really happened. Today I found out that I see my Psych Doc later on today. Good thing they did a reminder call yesterday or I wouldn’t have known. There is a lot to process. Just getting through the day is hard enough without all this other stuff bombarding me.

I’m still figuring out “me”. So to start that… I am going to go back through my blog and see what else may have been posted (if anything) during that time. It is definitely overwhelming. Especially having to do all this covertly. Living with someone I’ve only known for 11 days now makes it really hard. How do you explain to someone that even though you have been together for just over 2 years you’ve only known them for 11 freaking days!!! Yea, do that and try not to sound crazy.

~Hope