Anxiety is…


…sneaking in on little cat feet. I noticed this the other day. That feeling of dread, that nagging-something-is-about-to-happen-feeling. I mean it is the first of the month so the rent is due. That always used to make me anxious. Maybe this is residue of the flashback I got stuck in less than a week ago… that seems more likely. That flashback experience is one I would soon forget, except for one part… the part where my bf got me out of it in the most loving way possible. But damn, was it exhausting. I can’t tell you the last time I was stuck in a flashback that intensely. All our DBT training went right out the window. We remembered nothing. Absolutely nothing. DBT never even came to mind. Now THAT says something because it is usually always on my mind and I am quick to use one of the methods to gain focus when I needed to. Especially grounding when I find myself anxious.

So anyway… I am going to shooo these little anxious cat feet away and choose to believe the best. I started looking at it this way, if one can accept the worst situations and fully believe the worst is about to happen then why not think of the good and the positive that way too? Why is it so hard to believe something good can happen and so easy to believe something bad is going to happen?

Come on now, don’t tell me you always think positive and not negative… I believe that is a struggle for everyone. For me I think it’s because I don’t feel deserving. Well, fuck that because I. AM. DESERVING. and so are you.

On that note… thinking positively…

Until next time… Blessed Be… Tanya

The Upside of Dissociation


Yes, you read that right. The upside of dissociative identity disorder. You may not believe it but there is an upside– for me at least. I was diagnosed with it back in 1991 and have been working hard in therapy and been through many an IOP program as well as DBT over the years. I made it to the point of integration recently… by that I mean in the past few years.

Here is the perfect example: today I had to go to the DMV to register my car. Not something I could do online seeing I had to get plates. I went there with the mindset that while I was waiting for my number to be called I would dissociate so I wouldn’t mind the wait.

The wait was 3 hours or so and let me tell you… I didn’t mind a bit. lol As soon as they hit the number 287 I ‘came back’ and it was a short wait until they called 291!

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be able to have any control over my DID. With the integrating came some measure of control. I couldn’t imagine sitting there for that length of time as a ‘normal’ person. When I told my friend Suzicle that I was going today she said she would rather have her toenails pulled out with pliers!

I may have a disabling disorder but I’m trying to make the best of it. Today I sure succeeded!!

Until next time…

Namasté…

Saila