Finding the Path Never Traveled – Mine


Well, last week I decided that I would start setting some goals, kind of get some structure, something to strive for –  physically especially. With all the stressors I am and have been dealing with, my physical self is not what it used to be lol so I wanted to start with something I consider big and work up to it. Sooooo…. hmmmm what tho???

Ah! I know! It would be to walk to the grocery store (it’s over a mile away) to get my groceries and then take an Uber home. (On the inside I was giggling thinking that ain’t gonna ever happen!) I figured that eh, maybe by the fall I would be up to trying to go for it, certainly before the first snowflakes started to fall. Right?

I mean going downstairs to grab the mail or toss the trash would get me a bit out of breath more times than not. I figured if I get out of breath so easily doing such easy peasy things, this would be a good goal to strive for. We have started doing some smaller things a few times a week, and sometimes none times a week. Yoga. I have found that I really like it!! I am also liking that all I have to do is pop my favorite YouTube Yoga video up on my TV, put down my yoga mat and Namaste my cares away. I think I really prefer that to actually going to a class with people.

I guess I forgot that along with my mental and spiritual “workouts”, I’ve neglected being more physically active. That is stopping. We’ve been in fight or flight mode for way too long. Survival mode for way too long. That is stopping as well.

However, I am finding it a lot easier to be more physically active than I am finding it to be getting out of Fight Flight Survive mode. I am finally safe, alone (with PixE of course) and in my own place. A place I can afford, meets my needs and I love! No more fear, no more homelessness, no more abuse but best of all… no. more. limits. I can do whatever I want. You hear that??

No?

Well I do, it’s the sound of untapped potential! I plan on tapping the hell out of that biatch! Get back in touch with The Goddess, get that connection back, make it stronger than I could ever dream and thrive in the pure love that is there. Wander through The Willow Grove and get to know everyone and everything we come in contact with. Sure it will take time. Time is finally something we have for ourselves now and we plan on using it!

Maybe one day we will see who we are buried beneath all the shit. I will say I am anticipating the journey. I will also say that I believe that all these things have their places within each other. Physical, mental and spiritual. I refuse to pick one and work on it and then move on to the next. Nope. I notice that if I drop the ball in one area it affects the other areas in a not so good way.

So this morning, unsure of whether we should attempt this walk or not, we consulted The Universe. Universe said to go for it so we picked a nice Reiki music playlist, popped in the ear buds and walked all the way to the grocery store got what we had to get and then got an Uber home. Ha! And we seriously thought we may get to mark that goal complete by springtime. Nope, did it today! So, seeing that goal was to finally be able to do it… I think the next goal will be to do it again! (This time wearing sneakers and not flip-flops lol) Just doing that walk today, I feel more settled than I have in a very long time and there is no one who can take it away from me anymore! I am creating my own path. My own place in this world. What I want. How I want. When I want. You get it.

And now it is time to meditate before I make dinner and settle in for the evening.

 

Namaste – Paulie  🏝

 

 

 

A Broken Vacuum and a Sweaty Bitch


I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen for quite a while now. Can’t let the bubbles win again. (screen saver) Tho, they might. Writing shouldn’t feel like pulling teeth, it used to come so effortlessly. I think my brain is constipated. Yes, my brain is constipated and my vacuum broke, well, I think it did anyway. It smells like it did. Now I am afraid of it. I’m sitting here one sweaty bitch musing over what I didn’t get to vacuum and I am not happy about it. I’m also fighting the fear that the damn thing is going to explode. It’s not. But I can’t stop the irrationality. Well, if it does, it won’t make too much of a mess because I emptied it before I banished it to the corner. And it’s going to stay there until I feel like dealing with it. At least it’s almost dark. Not really, but close enough for now.

Darkness always makes us feel better. Too bad it’s not dark yet. The dark, it’s oddly soothing. Like a blanket wrapping around us wiping away the harsh light of day. I want to run out into it and let it engulf me. Let it keep me, swallow me. Become one with it. Stay in it forever and ever. Allow it to bury me alive.

The darkness is inside me. Eating me up. And I’m welcoming it. Unintentionally letting it in. Allowing it to fill the brokeness in me. The brokenness that no one else can see. The brokenness that is always there, that has always been there and always will be. There is nothing else I know. The dark place. The place where no one else wants to go. It’s in my eyes, way down deep. Deeper than anyone could go. But us. We can go there. We can only exist there. It’s all we know. It’s what we were given. The darkness was programmed into us as far back as we can remember. Shoved down our throat until we learned to… to what? Just what did we learn? We learned that there was something unlovable about us. Something defective that nothing and no one could ever fix. No one even wanted to. We were broken. Others were taught to treat us as the broken thing we were. Unaccepted. Unwanted. Worthless. Nothing.

I’m so lost in the dark that I don’t even know who we are anymore. Is it even worth finding out? Is there anything to find? Are we to lost to be found? Are we even worth finding? There may be nothing there. Maybe there was always nothing. Just a shell. An empty rotting shell. An empty rotting shell that everyone can see… but me. We don’t want to see it.

We need to shove our head into the putrid pool of reality, just like we were taught to as a young child. I’m going under, drowning. Just the way they want. It’s a war we’re unable to win. Hmmm and do we even want to anymore? Is it worth it? Is there sanity at the end? Me thinks not. Sanity is not something we were gifted with. It will always be labeled unobtanium.

It’s dark now. We feel better. Not really but maybe we can fake it. We always have to fake it. Keep the mask on. Don’t let it slip. No one could bear to see what’s underneath it. We can’t bear to see what’s under it. What if there is nothing there? Just a nasty little girl used and abused. So rotted that no one cared that she wanted to end the pain. Just down the hall, writhing in and out of consciousness from an overdose while the mother was baking a pistachio cake. Wearing long sleeves in the summer to hide a cut wrist brought not one question. However, Kiki plucked our eyebrows and we caught hell. You would have thought we robbed a bank.

It’s ok, nothing matters anymore. Well, there are a few things that matter. A precious few. We hold on to those. They make the journey bearable.

~nobody