There are times when you must cut the ties that bind. Sometimes in life you come to realize that you cannot change your past… meaning that you cannot expect things to be how they should just because you want them to be. It’s sad to realize that “then” is still “now”. It’s never going to change. If you keep running with scissors you are bound to get cut sooner or later.
How could I have expected it to change when people only know what they are taught from a young age. Shame on them to continue the practice into adulthood. Shame on me for expecting anything different. I had hope. It’s gone now. You can only ask for help and get denied so many times before you just stop asking. Family is supposed to be there for support in some way shape or form for all family members. Not exclude one.
I had a few years, especially my homeless year, that were pretty bad and I got pretty low but I made it through with the help of my friends and my aunt. If they couldn’t help in a concrete way they were there with an ear to listen or a night out… even just a cup of coffee was appreciated!
I am worth it. I am not who they make me out to be.
It no longer matters who wasn’t invited or who was invited where or when. It no longer matters that family had the opportunity to find out more about me and what I go through; to gain understanding and refused to take it. It no longer matters. It still hurts but no longer matters. I cannot let it matter. It’s not healthy. What really hurt the most was when my life fell apart my siblings were not there (but my friends were thank God/dess and I even made a few new friends!) Oh well. Family doesn’t always mean blood. The ones that were there to support me know who they are and I love them to death for it. They have no idea what they did for me and I am forever grateful.
Things are what they are and now I know they always will be. I have a new life now thank God/dess. It’s up to me who is in it.
Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila
I (DieAnne) sit here struggling. Scared to death. Wanting something to take the pain away. Promised my therapist we would not cut. I want to cut. Feel the knife and see the blood drops taking away the pain I feel. Diana doesn’t deserve to feel this so that is why I am here. You can check out our latest vlog posts here.
We woke up with Diana in charge as usual, but something happened today that set her off and sent me out front. She – Diana is getting stronger but certain things set her back and that ends up with one of us out front. I was never usually allowed out because I was the one who was going to kill her for her. I could never understand why she fought so hard to live until recently. It’s all about her son, Marshall. She could never leave him like that. She will fight tooth and nail to stay alive. I only realized just how much she loves him recently. One day I just really “saw” him and felt the love that she feels 24/7. I felt my heart beat for the very first time that day and realized that I don’t want to kill her and I totally understand why she wants to live so badly. Except if she ends up on the street, for her that is the ultimate betrayal of society. She will survive tho. Just find somewhere to store her stuff, someone to care for Coco until she finds a home and figure out how to live on the street. No exaggeration here… see for yourself and call any shelter in CT and see what they tell you to do. Then call the number they give you and ask about getting into a shelter. You’ll see. And do not say shit to me unless you called. I’ll know by your reaction if you actually found out what I am talking about or not. Going to a shelter is not an option for us, with dealing with PTSD etc. not good at all. Not good.
When she gets set off, I can feel her hopelessness as well as her hopefulness. She does not believe we will end up living on the street for a month before we can get into a shelter. She believes The Goddess will provide for her like She has been. She, Diana, has faith that she will be provided for. She is doing everything she can to get ahead and make a new life for herself… a life that is not out on the street. As a matter of fact, we just checked the housing court website and while Diana was confident that there would be nothing, I was full of fear. She’s so stupid with her Pollyanna-view of life. Do you want to know how many times we have done the right thing and got fucked bad???? Too many. I’m not even going into it because it will get bad if we do. All we want to do right now is fade away, smoke some pot (not happening lol), drink some wine (not happening). So we are stuck in this awful mess of feeling like we can’t do anything right. The bad unwanted little girl.I have to help protect her.
Diana was set off today by something that came out of the blue, accusations that are not true, partly anyway. Behind our back yet! The part where I had to unfriend some people is true, reason being there is a major major family event coming up next month that we cannot make. Financial reasons are a big part because we would have to rent a car (Marshalls car needs motor mounts so we can’t be doing a lot of driving, especially up big hills until they get replaced.) besides renting a car we would have to reserve a hotel room. No money for either, much less a wedding gift. The people we had to unfriend for now had to do with these events, there is no way in hell we would be able to look at pictures or read posts about the shower we missed (We were in the hospital that weekend) and the upcoming wedding that we cannot get to. What we need is enough money dropped on us so we could rent a car, buy a gift and go, never mind staying overnight… drive back the same night. Big deal at least we would have been there. But we can’t and no one even offered to help get us there. No surprises there. I as well as most of The Collective have to remember that we are responsible for what we say, NOT for how someone interprets it. I can forgive because they know not what they do and I need peace, Diana needs peace. Anyway… I came across a couple good pics and I will leave you with that.
~DieAnne (April 22, 2015)