Loving my Me’s


Yes, you read that title correctly. lol I was sitting here thinking about Father’s Day and one picture I have of my Pops. It’s a picture of me and my 2 sisters standing in the den with him. I’m blonde in that picture. Why does that matter? Me saying I’m blonde? Because now I have red hair (again) and usually when there was a switch internally and the hair got dyed… whatever color the hair got dyed had to be the profile pic, only pics with that color hair went up… it was a barb in the side to see pictures of (a blonde) someone else on My stuff. You know where I’m coming from? I had to make it Mine and fast! It was a real bother.

Anyway back to the picture… I didn’t get that feeling this time seeing it. I was thinking about posting it on Sunday but then I figure no, not with the way things are with my sisters. And as for ‘my’ blonde hair? I looked at it as another sister, (It’s Joanna in the picture.) knowing it was an altar and being ok with that being seen. I think that was my issue… another way to ‘keep my DID under wraps’. Like having a party when your parents are out then having to clean it up really fast. There is always something tell-tale left out and forgotten. That was my fear… that something would be seen that wasn’t supposed to be seen. Or a question would be asked that I couldn’t or didn’t want to answer.

Interesting to find that I can embrace them instead of want to hide and ignore them. They are a part of me, always have been and always will be. I am deeply deeply grateful for my close friends who accept us for who we are no questions asked… well, sometimes there are questions lol but I can usually answer them.

I think removing people from social media is part of what’s helped us remove ourselves from their expectations… or what we may have imagined their expectations to be. To try to be who they would be comfortable with. Screw that… its way too exhausting. I like being around people who I can be we around without shame, fear or anxiety. I’m grateful that I have friends like that in my life.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Tanya

 

The Black Sheep ~ Dreaming of Stage 5


So I have all my safeguards in place. Coming up there will be talk of my youngest sister’s July 4th Party. I still remember the first year I wasn’t invited… to find out via Facebook was pretty low. To prevent anything like that from happening again I have my plan that was put in place right after Christmas of 2015. (I talked about it in a prior post.)

Wow lol going back and looking for that post I realized we are REALLY trying to stay out of Stage 3 and get through Stage 4. Maybe stick a toe into Stage 5? I think it is too early for that… I want to see how we handle the next month and a day. (No, I’m not dwelling on it, I just looked at my calendar lol) This is something we are trying to get past. We want to get past it very badly.

3. EMOTIONAL DESPAIR, SADNESS & WITHDRAWAL-
The storm of intense emotions of the second stage gives way to a period of heavy sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends.

4. REORGANIZATION-
Reorganization and the beginning of positive emotions- Over time, the sadness stage will start to lessen, and you will begin to see a lightening of your emotions. You will start to perceive your life in a more positive light, although bouts of grief and sadness will persist.

5. LETTING GO & MOVING ON-
The final phase of this model is to let go of your need for the loss and to move on with your life. Sadness will lessen greatly, and new interests will gradually occupy your thoughts more and more, crowding out the misery and desolation. The final stage is when you “pull your life back together”.

Like I said last time… done done done with Stage 3. Depression and sadness have no place in my heart. Little by little we are letting go of our need for them and moving on with our life. So there is the toe in Stage 5! Our dreams of being in Stage 5 are going to be realized! However, we also realize that we will be in Stage 4 for a bit yet. lol Ugh. Just gotta deal with it, process it and go through it.

I am finding that I don’t plan around family events anymore. That is a positive! I am planning around what I want, not what I feel as if I have to. I remember the looking forward to family things… well, all that is over now. There is nothing to look forward to anymore in that realm. And ya know what? It’s ok. It’s really ok. Not because I want it to be but because it has to be. They made it that way and I’m expected to live by it. I will just go away quietly and live my life out loud!

Until next time… Blessed Be… Tanya