The Black Sheep ~ That’s it, I’m Done!


Yup. Done. Fini. It feels gooooood! (I just did a little shimmy when I typed that!! lol) But, yes, I am finished and settled into Step 5 in regard to my family.

5. LETTING GO & MOVING ON-
The final phase of this model is to let go of your need for the loss and to move on with your life. Sadness will lessen greatly, and new interests will gradually occupy your thoughts more and more, crowding out the misery and desolation. The final stage is when you “pull your life back together”.

My “need” for their acceptance and love is no more. I don’t “need” anyone to be me. All of me. I don’t have to worry anymore about making anyone nervous. I can just BE. I can love them from afar and leave it at that. I’m that puzzle piece that doesn’t fit anywhere. I’m ok with it.

I’m getting into a somewhat regular routine and I like it. On the weekend, either Friday or Saturday night Kiki and I do something… either go out or stay in and watch movies. We went to a Jazz thing one night… let me tell you, I know what it feels like to have ping-pong balls bouncing around in your head now. I found out I do not care for Jazz. It’s too discordant for me.

Counting my blessings instead of focusing on what is missing from my life really helped me get comfy in Stage 5. My life is pretty much pulled back together and I am enjoying it! I enjoy my time with my son, boyfriend, Kiki, my phone and computer time with Marion and Drew and I could go on with a couple more friends but you get the picture. My life is full. All of my me’s feel free finally.

I’m no longer sad, I am not dwelling on the party I won’t be invited to… my precautions are in place and I am at peace. Instead I am thinking about my son and when his next day off is… 🙂 Happy thoughts!

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila

 

The Black Sheep ~ Dreaming of Stage 5


So I have all my safeguards in place. Coming up there will be talk of my youngest sister’s July 4th Party. I still remember the first year I wasn’t invited… to find out via Facebook was pretty low. To prevent anything like that from happening again I have my plan that was put in place right after Christmas of 2015. (I talked about it in a prior post.)

Wow lol going back and looking for that post I realized we are REALLY trying to stay out of Stage 3 and get through Stage 4. Maybe stick a toe into Stage 5? I think it is too early for that… I want to see how we handle the next month and a day. (No, I’m not dwelling on it, I just looked at my calendar lol) This is something we are trying to get past. We want to get past it very badly.

3. EMOTIONAL DESPAIR, SADNESS & WITHDRAWAL-
The storm of intense emotions of the second stage gives way to a period of heavy sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends.

4. REORGANIZATION-
Reorganization and the beginning of positive emotions- Over time, the sadness stage will start to lessen, and you will begin to see a lightening of your emotions. You will start to perceive your life in a more positive light, although bouts of grief and sadness will persist.

5. LETTING GO & MOVING ON-
The final phase of this model is to let go of your need for the loss and to move on with your life. Sadness will lessen greatly, and new interests will gradually occupy your thoughts more and more, crowding out the misery and desolation. The final stage is when you “pull your life back together”.

Like I said last time… done done done with Stage 3. Depression and sadness have no place in my heart. Little by little we are letting go of our need for them and moving on with our life. So there is the toe in Stage 5! Our dreams of being in Stage 5 are going to be realized! However, we also realize that we will be in Stage 4 for a bit yet. lol Ugh. Just gotta deal with it, process it and go through it.

I am finding that I don’t plan around family events anymore. That is a positive! I am planning around what I want, not what I feel as if I have to. I remember the looking forward to family things… well, all that is over now. There is nothing to look forward to anymore in that realm. And ya know what? It’s ok. It’s really ok. Not because I want it to be but because it has to be. They made it that way and I’m expected to live by it. I will just go away quietly and live my life out loud!

Until next time… Blessed Be… Tanya