Panic, Who Invited YOU?

Yea, for the first time in a long time we had a panic attack that turned into an anxiety attack… a prolonged one. Idk wtf I was dreaming about but I kept waking in the night feeling the first feathery fingers of anxiety… each time a bit more intense. I was able to fall back into sleep each time although fitful. The final time it was panic so I got up. Nothing helped so I took one of my anxiety meds and that finally kicked the anxiety down to a level I could handle. What did I forget tho… to call on my angels. Meditate, do Reiki… ground myself… forgot all of it. Then after the anxiety/panic went away I was left with a deep need for sleep. So I slept. My boyfriend came over and left and I slept… lol.

I think I know what happened. I have a mean spiteful altar who would soon smack you with a pot than cook with it. She is not let out anymore, hasn’t been for decades. So I decided to talk to her and let her come out but she wasn’t allowed to do anything except observe. She agreed. I had been feeling her in the background and I don’t like how she makes me feel. I am not a mean person and would rather cook with that pot than ever think of hitting someone with it. Oh, wait… when I was in my first “real” relationship I did use pots to hit someone with… but that was only to keep him off of me and away. This relationship turned into an abusive one… no, just because I mentioned pots doesn’t mean I was the abuser lol I was using them as self-defense. He swore to kill me if I ever tried to leave him. Even stuck a loaded .38 in my chest to emphasize his point. But anyway, back on track here… ah. Actually I think we are right on track here. I believe that this feral mean alter was the one who fought back and kept us alive during all that. For her to be out front (even just observing) must have been terrifying for her. Twas the night of the panic attack. It was always at night that he would attack me. No wonder she was freaked out and I ended up waking with panic attacks. She did learn something about our being in a relationship tho. Not all guys are assholes. Just some of them. However it will take more than one time being out with him around to convince her.

I guess I solved my question about who invited panic. I accidentally did. Well, maybe next time the feral one will be calmer. My goal is to have her integrated after she sheds her skin of spite. It’s hard dealing with this. No one really realizes how hard it is. It takes a lot out of you. But I believe in the end it will be worth it.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila

Sometimes it’s Nice to Just…

…listen to the internal chatter. Sometimes I get a kick out of it, other times I learn things and sometimes I need to explain things. It can be like being an actual fly on the wall. I can just sit back in silence (altho I will admit, a giggle or two has escaped lol) and listen to some of them talking about all different things.

It does have its downside because I can get so engrossed in what they are talking about and/or doing that I miss out on some of the here and now. When I’m with Kiki it’s ok for me to say “Oh, sorry, what? I was listening to the internal chatter lol” without feeling like a fool. It’s nice to have friends where I can be We without worry. It’s so relaxing and it’s a necessary thing to have that. I can say I am blessed to have at least 2 good friends who I can be We with… So…

On that note…

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila