Anxiety is the Feeling of the Night

Here I am again. Sitting on the love seat alternating my gaze between the screen and Pixie rolling around on the couch next to me. Well, now just the screen. Pixie decided to run over to her cat tree just so she could skid, bump her head on the floor and roll around on it. Not her head, the cat tree and the floor lol.

Anyway, I can’t afford to just sit here when I should have no more than 20 minutes before the bf gets back. Oh… that was at 9:05pm and it is now 9:35pm. Am I surprised? No. Am I going to continue writing this? Yes. I figure that if the 1 hour time frame he gave me earlier turned into 4 hours, so it just makes sense that the 20 minute time frame should be about an hour and a half. So by that I have an hour more to myself.

Well, I am still confused. Still overwhelmed. Even feeling quite anxious at times. Because when I was on the phone with the bf, I asked how things went… and I got the third degree. “Why all of a sudden do you need to know everything I do?” “You never used to be like this.” When I got up this morning, he had his jacket on and looked as if he was on his way out or just coming in so of course I asked what anyone would… “Are you going somewhere?” I also got the third degree then. “Why do you need to know? Do I need to tell you everything I do now? You were never like this before.” Well, la-di-da. News to me. No, really, it’s news to me. I guess The Body never questioned him. His reaction was so strange to me that I actually asked a friend jokingly if she (The Body) really never said anything. She said, no, she didn’t, whatever he thought was best was it and if he didn’t want to say or just be vague she didn’t argue.

I was like, Oh crap. How do I explain the sudden changes if I have to?? It’s not as easy as let’s say, changing your shampoo. You don’t usually notice a huge difference. But these differences seem to be totally opposite. I mean she never seemed to question him. And here I come with questions. How was I supposed to know this detail before? I don’t know how any of them acted, how they talked, reacted etc. I’m on my own here and all I can do is me.

I’m only focused on this now because it seems to be causing problems. I’m only asking casual questions, nothing invasive like, what is the address, what time is your interview, who is it with, how long is it… more like these… where are you going? (I didn’t know it was for an interview and paperwork for a job until much later) All I was told before he left was he was going to fill out paperwork and he was fussing about not having gps and it was 45 minutes away. I still have no clue what the job is, where it is, or anything else. Hey, at least I know it was for a job. It’s been at least a year since he has worked. A YEAR. No reason he can’t work a job, he is just above that. He needs something that will let him work where and when he wants. Well, actually, if he gets a job with regular hours, he won’t have it long. He couldn’t be on time if his life depended on it. And I will not be his alarm clock. Not my responsibility. He’s a grown man for god’s sake. I’m realizing that he will always find a way to put the blame anywhere else but himself.

Ok, major anxiety kicking in here, I’m not sure what mood he will be in when he gets back here and I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve not been in this situation long. Follow my instincts is all I can do. And keep my phone close. I have to stop here just in case…


What Do I Know About Hope?

So, what do I know about Hope? Hope is exhausted, confused and overwhelmed. That’s what I know about Hope. Hope has also been staring at this screen for 45 minutes now not writing anything.

Ok, enough talking about myself in the third person. lol I have the time to write in private and what happens? I get a case of the brain farts. No, I don’t have a lot of alone time, not with The Body’s bf here ALL THE TIME. Except today… all I know is he was going somewhere that is about 45 minutes away. Hopefully he comes back with a fucking job. So that gives me time without worrying about him watching what I am doing.

I saw my psych doc yesterday evening. She gave me pointers on some stuff to do. One very important one was to write things down somehow, someway. Password protect my phone. You see, he claims he doesn’t go through my stuff yet one day he asks me why some of my conversations are deleted. How the fuck would you know that if you weren’t snooping?? (Ok, password protection is done… I put it as something none of us can forget lol my thumbprint.)

I know that I don’t care for him. I only met him 12 days ago. I know OF him but I don’t know him. Yeah, I’m finding out little things that are really out there about him. Like blaming me for McDonald’s putting cheese on his burger. The thing that threw me was that he was serious. I mentioned that to Kiki and Marion today and the both of them were not surprised. They said that is typical for him. I was like… WOW. Just WOW.

I know that I can’t bring up him leaving until I know what the fuck was happening in the relationship that brought about the creation of a whole new altar… me. I just found blogs yesterday that Mel wrote only as far back as December 13 tho. It’s not a lot of information but what is there is gold for me. It’s really confusing and kind of scary to find out there is a whole lot that I do not know. I was thinking I just needed to find out what happened between Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. HA! Wrong. Finding those blog posts told me that it went farther back than I was aware of. Then I was told by Mel that the bf also ruined Thanksgiving. I don’t know how. And it doesn’t really matter right now because I found out from Kiki and Marion that whatever has been happening has been happening for quite a while. And… I just checked something I was led to and see emergency phone numbers on a piece of paper that has something else written underneath it with a date of September???! Oh God, this is so hard and so exhausting with this information trickling in.

There is a call I still have to make but when I do, it will make things a bit more real. I don’t know if I can handle that today. Not after yesterday’s data dump. I am just grateful that I have some time alone, not sure just how much more time I will have before he gets back here.

I know I am different from The Body just by comments he makes. I hate being talked about like I am someone else. He even commented that I must be getting dementia lol. I mean I can understand that on his end I am still the same girl he has been with for 2 years. He has no clue that I have only been here and known him for 12 days now. She may have loved him but I don’t really care for him.

I’m kind of lying low and playing my cards as close to the vest as possible until I get a handle on what the fuck happened that broke us. The Collective is gone, what is left is a gaping black hole leaving me, Melany, Diane, DieAnne, Rachel, Wendy and the other Dark Ones that are under Mels charge. The Light Ones are all gone, sucked and swept away into nothingness. I don’t feel them and from what I read, they were taken away, left, whatever happened when Melany was here at some point in mid December.

Idk… writing hasn’t been helping me unravel stuff like I had hoped. Maybe it is just taking it’s time? It is quite a bit to process. So, I think I will stop for now and I hope to write more later… we shall see how long I get to myself. I never know because he never tells me the truth. So he could be here in 5 minutes or 5 hours. And in the back of my mind I wonder each time I hear noises outside, when am I going to hear the key, what mood is he going to be in? It really sucks not knowing. And apparently as I found out today he doesn’t like to be asked where he is going. I guess The Body was ok with that?? Not me, I like common courtesy. To him, it is all of a sudden that she (me) is asking where he is going. Lol, no, not really… it’s just me being curious. Get used to it brothah, as I gain more knowledge of the past few months or so you are going to see me come out of my shell more.

Well, Pixie wants attention and I am tired of sitting so I am going to make something to eat and play with her for a while.