Loving my Me’s

Yes, you read that title correctly. lol I was sitting here thinking about Father’s Day and one picture I have of my Pops. It’s a picture of me and my 2 sisters standing in the den with him. I’m blonde in that picture. Why does that matter? Me saying I’m blonde? Because now I have red hair (again) and usually when there was a switch internally and the hair got dyed… whatever color the hair got dyed had to be the profile pic, only pics with that color hair went up… it was a barb in the side to see pictures of (a blonde) someone else on My stuff. You know where I’m coming from? I had to make it Mine and fast! It was a real bother.

Anyway back to the picture… I didn’t get that feeling this time seeing it. I was thinking about posting it on Sunday but then I figure no, not with the way things are with my sisters. And as for ‘my’ blonde hair? I looked at it as another sister, (It’s Joanna in the picture.) knowing it was an altar and being ok with that being seen. I think that was my issue… another way to ‘keep my DID under wraps’. Like having a party when your parents are out then having to clean it up really fast. There is always something tell-tale left out and forgotten. That was my fear… that something would be seen that wasn’t supposed to be seen. Or a question would be asked that I couldn’t or didn’t want to answer.

Interesting to find that I can embrace them instead of want to hide and ignore them. They are a part of me, always have been and always will be. I am deeply deeply grateful for my close friends who accept us for who we are no questions asked… well, sometimes there are questions lol but I can usually answer them.

I think removing people from social media is part of what’s helped us remove ourselves from their expectations… or what we may have imagined their expectations to be. To try to be who they would be comfortable with. Screw that… its way too exhausting. I like being around people who I can be we around without shame, fear or anxiety. I’m grateful that I have friends like that in my life.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Tanya


Panic, Who Invited YOU?

Yea, for the first time in a long time we had a panic attack that turned into an anxiety attack… a prolonged one. Idk wtf I was dreaming about but I kept waking in the night feeling the first feathery fingers of anxiety… each time a bit more intense. I was able to fall back into sleep each time although fitful. The final time it was panic so I got up. Nothing helped so I took one of my anxiety meds and that finally kicked the anxiety down to a level I could handle. What did I forget tho… to call on my angels. Meditate, do Reiki… ground myself… forgot all of it. Then after the anxiety/panic went away I was left with a deep need for sleep. So I slept. My boyfriend came over and left and I slept… lol.

I think I know what happened. I have a mean spiteful altar who would soon smack you with a pot than cook with it. She is not let out anymore, hasn’t been for decades. So I decided to talk to her and let her come out but she wasn’t allowed to do anything except observe. She agreed. I had been feeling her in the background and I don’t like how she makes me feel. I am not a mean person and would rather cook with that pot than ever think of hitting someone with it. Oh, wait… when I was in my first “real” relationship I did use pots to hit someone with… but that was only to keep him off of me and away. This relationship turned into an abusive one… no, just because I mentioned pots doesn’t mean I was the abuser lol I was using them as self-defense. He swore to kill me if I ever tried to leave him. Even stuck a loaded .38 in my chest to emphasize his point. But anyway, back on track here… ah. Actually I think we are right on track here. I believe that this feral mean alter was the one who fought back and kept us alive during all that. For her to be out front (even just observing) must have been terrifying for her. Twas the night of the panic attack. It was always at night that he would attack me. No wonder she was freaked out and I ended up waking with panic attacks. She did learn something about our being in a relationship tho. Not all guys are assholes. Just some of them. However it will take more than one time being out with him around to convince her.

I guess I solved my question about who invited panic. I accidentally did. Well, maybe next time the feral one will be calmer. My goal is to have her integrated after she sheds her skin of spite. It’s hard dealing with this. No one really realizes how hard it is. It takes a lot out of you. But I believe in the end it will be worth it.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila