Spaghettification


Spaghettification or The Noodle Effect. The process by which (in some theories) an object would be stretched and ripped apart by gravitational forces on falling into a black hole.

Stretched and pulled apart. The Collective is in utter chaos. Pieces have separated again. There is not much integration. A huge step backwards. Shattered. Again.

Into the darkness we were thrust. Chunks fell apart falling everywhere. Leaving the Dead One exposed for the first time. Left alone in the mess of debris. Open. Alone. Terrified. Mute. So tiny. Barely able to move. Vulnerable and defenseless.

The Cutter didn’t cut. She knew this pain was too deep for her to fix. She knew anything she could offer would make things worse for us all. So no offering was made. She screamed into the darkness instead. And screamed and screamed.

Yet we were still mute.

I am left to sweep up the mess and deal with the carnage. Just me. Melany.

I felt Diane’s desperation for this life to be over with already. She is tired and just wants out. She won’t do it herself so all she can do is long for the end and the new beginning in The Mist. In The Mist there is peace and love and understanding and total oneness. For a child she is wise beyond her years.

I felt Wendy’s feeling of worthlessness. Utter hopelessness of ever doing anything good, anything right. Ever. She is convinced that people were right in telling her it was her fault that her father is dead now. They blamed her. If it wasn’t for her neediness to be loved and accepted… it’s a hole that eats her up to this day. She is forever craving it like an addict craves their drug.

DieAnne knew what they expected of her and she was not giving it to them. They would talk bad of her and blame her and her alone. In our defense would be Kiki and Marion. For sure. We know that.

Berated over and over and over again. Beaten down verbally, mentally and emotionally. Used. Used and to be thrown away when all used up. Left alone. Again. Berated with lies and false accusations. Making sure she knows she is worth nothing. She is unlovable. Her love is toxic. Her love is thrown away. Like trash. She is taught it’s better not to love. By who? Someone who knows that love kills. Love hurts. Pain is all there is for her. The constant ache for companionship. For someone to love her.

The only ones I can feel inside that haven’t been blown far away are Diane, Wendy, DieAnne, The Cutter, Bitch, The Dead One and I’m not really sure who else is left. I can feel a few more of the darker ones scattered about. As for the others… Tanya, Missy, Diana… gone. Poof.

I fear we will never find what we are looking for, needing. Why? Some people are simply unlovable is all. We happen to be one of them. Just too broken for it to ever happen. That, for sure was drilled into us so deep it shredded our heart beyond repair. We get it. We are defective beyond repair looking for something only normal people get. We are the cat who was given a home in the water.

On that note…

Love, Melany

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loving my Me’s


Yes, you read that title correctly. lol I was sitting here thinking about Father’s Day and one picture I have of my Pops. It’s a picture of me and my 2 sisters standing in the den with him. I’m blonde in that picture. Why does that matter? Me saying I’m blonde? Because now I have red hair (again) and usually when there was a switch internally and the hair got dyed… whatever color the hair got dyed had to be the profile pic, only pics with that color hair went up… it was a barb in the side to see pictures of (a blonde) someone else on My stuff. You know where I’m coming from? I had to make it Mine and fast! It was a real bother.

Anyway back to the picture… I didn’t get that feeling this time seeing it. I was thinking about posting it on Sunday but then I figure no, not with the way things are with my sisters. And as for ‘my’ blonde hair? I looked at it as another sister, (It’s Joanna in the picture.) knowing it was an altar and being ok with that being seen. I think that was my issue… another way to ‘keep my DID under wraps’. Like having a party when your parents are out then having to clean it up really fast. There is always something tell-tale left out and forgotten. That was my fear… that something would be seen that wasn’t supposed to be seen. Or a question would be asked that I couldn’t or didn’t want to answer.

Interesting to find that I can embrace them instead of want to hide and ignore them. They are a part of me, always have been and always will be. I am deeply deeply grateful for my close friends who accept us for who we are no questions asked… well, sometimes there are questions lol but I can usually answer them.

I think removing people from social media is part of what’s helped us remove ourselves from their expectations… or what we may have imagined their expectations to be. To try to be who they would be comfortable with. Screw that… its way too exhausting. I like being around people who I can be we around without shame, fear or anxiety. I’m grateful that I have friends like that in my life.

Until next time… Blessed Be… Tanya